What would you do in this situation?

[Just1-2go]

Finally she decided to celebrate a newly-exiled friend's birthday by making every child in the clique bring something to school that day to mix together and throw on this girl to 'get her into trouble at school and at home on her birthday'. The list included flour, food dye, eggs and dirt. One of the children showed the list (written in the girls handwriting- so evidence) to her mother, who was on the Board of Governors at the time and she went straight to the headmistress. The family were called into school for a 'chat' and things quitened down for a couple of years.

This sort of behaviour astounds me, it can't come naturally surely and must be "learnt" from somewhere!

[mystery]

Yes, you do wonder if a parent checked the spelling, made her write it out neatly, and photocopied it enough times for every girl in the class.

The other fantastic one was those party invitations where the special friends were allowed to stay the night and others were not.

But as adults, many people do something similar with weddings - more people invited to the evening do who did not make it onto the main wedding and reception list.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one experiencing this kind of problem for my child. Not that I want other people to have miserable experiences too, but you've all made me feel a bit less odd.

The thing that haunts you most is if you are doing the right thing sticking it out - will your child turn out weird themselves in some way as a consequence - or should you risk the possible problems of moving and the high (it would seem!) likelihood of experiencing something similar elsewhere.

For now, I've decided to tough it out, and take a bit of solace from time to time from this great forum.

Thanks everyone.

[Milla]

Nothing to add to these great - but depressing tales - apart from been there done that. Am convinced that no sort of excuse exists at all. Some people are just vile and rude and have no manners or care or kindness. And these people have children and some of us will be luckless enough to have our darling angel moppets shoved in a class with them. Have long thought that the breed Other Mothers - we all know the ones we mean - are responsible for much misery but we're generally a bit afraid to say so for fear of looking pathetic or taking the wrong things too seriously. It's time to start believing in karma. I've bought a life time's subscription and hope to live long enough to see the wheel come full turn. Not bitter at all, ho.

[Brenda Jean]

I too had similar things happen and was concerned that he didnt have special friends or receive invites to tea etc. When I used to ask my child who do you play with he would say everyone, the same answer when I asked who are you friends with.
I have now decided not to ask these questions anymore, because to be truthful the only one it upset is me.
In his own world he is very happy and likes absolutely everyone (even the nasty ones he makes excuses for) and I have stopped trying to make friendships for him through the parents, as he will make his own way. The same goes for tea and play invites - I now just keep myself to myself and strangely enough people soon want to know why you dont care what they are whispering about or arranging in the playground or that your child hasn't been invited to the b'day party cos there wasnt enough room in their house!!
Hope this helps...x

[Midget Man]

I asked my DD yesterday who was her best friend and she mentioned one particular girl. She then went on to tell me that she asked if she wanted to come round and play sometimes to which this girl replied "Probably not because my mum say's you're stupid"

At first I was very sad, but now I am very, very angry, this mum has clearly said something in front of her child and I find it shocking that parent's find it acceptable to talk in this manner with their children. Surely they should be setting a better example? Encouraging children to be kind? Or just plain decent regardless of what they may think?? I feel I should mention this to the school teacher, perhap's she could kindly remind parent's on how to conduct themselve's! The other option I think would get me in to trouble with the law

[Plum]

My DS went through a difficult time in year 4. He used to play with 2 boys in particular but one left and the other decided he needed to spend his breaktimes looking after his little sister who has SN. DS wasn't allowed to play with his other 2 friends as they played with a third boy who said DS was a geek.

His teacher actually brought the problem to my attention when she said that he would rather stay in at breaktime and help her than go outside. When I asked him about it and what the other boys in the class did, he said they played Naked every break time (Naked is their version of British Bulldog!) and he didn't like the game. I suggested he give it a try, as it is easier to influence the group from within. I also suggested he try and make friends with the other children in the class. To his credit he did both! By year 6, practically all the boys in his class used to play together in one big group and he loved it. Of course, this caused other problems for the school which they are only just recovering from

[monapotsnooper]

Oh, where to start - there is so much I could say.

My children go to a very small village primary with just 4 classes, 92 children in total and mixed year groups.

My son is a farily gregarious character and generally gets on with everyone, boys and girls alike.
However, there are no best friends amongst the five boys in my son's year, they seem to buddy up as and when it suits them and there are actually very few organised play dates taking place, which is fine by me.

DD is 2 years younger, very shy and lacking in self-confidence, and one of only 3 girls in her year. Due to a strong friendship with her older brother, she is as happy playing and socialising with the boys as she is with the girls. In fact, the strongest friendships my children have are with one-another and they are a great team - often playing together at break time (yes, they do still fight from time to time).

I was keen for DD to go to Rainbows and, as we didn't have a pack in our village, spoke to a couple of mums with girls who I thought might like to go too (and, I must confess, the girls I personally liked) from both DD's year and the year below . The result is that there are 4 other girls who now go to the same Brownie pack as my DD and they all get on really well together. As parents we take it in turns to take/collect. Sometimes they have play dates beforehand, more often they don't. Their group of friends has also expanded by mixing with girls from outside school.

The size and mixed year groups within our school almost encourages flux in friendships for both better and worse - a child that your DC was associating with one year might disappear off the radar the next due to progression through the years and changing class structure.

My approach (after enduring 6 years of playground politics) is to take a deep breath, tell myself not to get too upset by it, sooner or later it will change. I do, however keep a close eye and have stepped in when necessary. Below is one of the things that happened to my son (and I still can't believe the mother's attitude) and how things have played out:

When DS was in Yr1 one of the girls in his year invited the whole class (2 years combined) to her birthday party with the exception of my son and one other boy. She then taunted my son for some weeks, one day saying she might let him come, the next day saying she wouldn't. It got to the point where he was so absolutely convinced that he was going, (but still had not had an actual invitation) that I approached the girl's mother who told me "It's her birthday, she can do what she likes", appearing to revel in the power her daughter was able to wield in the playground. My son was devasted when he finally realised he really wasn't going, despite my attempts to soften the blow.

The following year the same girl had a sleepover for her birthday and invited only the girls from the year above, excluding her (supposed) best friend, telling her she was "too immature". She then only associated with those girls fromt he year above and, now in Yr6, is scrabbling around trying to rebuild freindships as all her buddies have moved on to secondary school.

I do feel badly for the girl as I hate that she finds herself so isolated but on the other hand, what goes around.....

I LOATHE playground politics!

[monapotsnooper]

Gosh - sorry, I didn't realise my post was so long - 'til I'd posted it.

[turtleglos]

There are playground politics??? I knew I was doing something wrong all these years

[logic32]

I am so glad I stumbled upon this thread ! Our situation is not nearly as drastic as some of yours and I really feel for your children, but it is such a comfort to know that we are not the only square pegs !

My son has always been extremely easygoing, has 3 best friends, gets invited everywhere, and generally a very happy chap ( now Y6 )

My daughter who is 3 years younger sadly has had completely different experiences. In nursery she was not an easy going child, and couldn't control her emotions at all. She got very upset at the slightest thing and undoubtedly alienated some of the other girls ( and more importantly their mothers ) But she's always been a very kind and loving child and by year 1 was unrecognisable from the child she'd been in nursery. She's now Y3 and a really great kid ( not biased at all honest !) but sadly still judged by her behavior in Nursery by a lot of the mums. She can't understand why she's not invited to some parties or girls houses as at school she now gets on very well with most of them, but luckily still shrugs and doesn't mind too much.

It's the adult behavior which I find hardest to stomach, the cliques and the knowing looks. I have been told by mutual friends that some of the mums often have coffee mornings at which they delight in discussing other peoples kids whist extolling the (many ) virtues of their own offspring. So yes they are bitching about 7 to 8 year olds ! My daughter is known as 'difficult'. Which she was in nursery aged 3 but now aged 8 is easy going, happy and fun. Apparently it's only too true that mud sticks.

We've just had the annual invite dilema. She wants to invite lots of children who haven't invited her, and as usual I've bitten my tongue and let her do the choosing. But it does gall me when their 'lovely' mums ring me to say so and so would be delighted to come. I would love to tell them what I really think but as it wouldn't help ( and I would probably be banned from the playground ) I keep quiet.