11 Plus Exams Forum

My DD (15) was invited to a sleepover tonight which was fine until she told me that boys would be there as well! They are all sleeping in a cartlodge a short distance away from the house. There is no adult supervision, although I have been told that they will be checked on from time to time. I have never seen any of these boys and my DD doesn't know them very well either. I really appreciate my DD being honest and upfront with me but feel that it wasn't appropriate to let her go. I tried to explain my reasons why but they have 'fallen on deaf ears'. My DD thinks that I am the worst mother in the world and is refusing to talk to me now! She said that she was honest and told me what was going on and, in return, I have punished her by not letting her go. I can see where she's coming from but I would not be able to sleep tonight knowing that I had let her go. Would really appreciate some thoughts here.

If I were in your shoes I would have done the same. Boys you don't know and without adult supervision? I don't think so! Your DD may be very angry at the moment but parenting is not easy but you have to do what you think is best. Good luck.

well my dd1 is 15 too so i do understand, it seems to be at about 14 they begin to have friends that you dont get to meet. My dd has a mixed gender group and 2 of the boys i do know now as she has been friends with them since yr 7/8 - if she was to have a sleepover with these 2 boys and her girl friends i would be apprehensive but i may agree. With boys I have never met though the answer would be a definate NO! When she has a sleepover at a new girlfriends house i tend to get the phone number and address and often ring the mum just to check its all ok etc. So i do not think you have been unreasonable, though i would praise her honesty

I agree with the above two comments. It shows you a good parent. I guess the only way I'd agree to a mix sleepover was if I knew the lads concerned (and trusted them!), and there was adult supervision.

Hi Moonlight - you have my sympathies. You have definitely done the right thing.

First of all your DD sounds very similar to mine - very honest. I have a 16 year old daughter and last year (when she was 15) she wanted to go to a birthday sleepover with about 18 girls - most of whom I know and are really lovely girls. My DD was honest enough to tell me that there weren't going to be any adults there. The birthday girl lives with her single mum (both very lovely) and the mum was sleeping elsewhere for the night and leaving them to it.

I was emphatic about the fact that she could not go - I was very worried about them all being left to their own devices.

Like you, I felt terribly guilty because my DD has told me which of her friends drink and/or smoke. My DD thinks it's decidedly uncool to drink/smoke and I couldn't explain to her my reasons other than explaining that it was simply a feeling of being very uncomfortable about the sleepover. She too protested greatly and said "you know I won't drink/smoke" etc. but I did not give way and was accused of being the most horrible mother etc.

However, after the event my DD was fine with me and I realised that she was actually a little relieved, although she would never admit to it; but I think she was secretly worried herself, and I wouldn't be surprised if your DD is secretly worried too - there will be an awful lot of peer pressure already, without adding boys to the scene - that can only pile on the pressure to do stuff you wouldn't normally do IMO.

Oh I do feel sorry for you. You did the right thing, but it leaves you wondering if your daughter will be as straightforward with you in the future. I guess you need to stress to her that it was not her behaviour you were worried about, but other people's, and do something which rewards the having been honest with you.

Can she do the sleepover with all the same friends at your house and without a cartlodge separate from the house?

And I can't help feeling cross about the other parents ........ dim or what?

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I too am left wondering how honest my DD will be in the future. I did tell her how pleased I was that she was honest with me in the first place but her reply to that was that she wouldn't do it again! What do you do for the best? We could have a sleepover here (minus cartlodge) but I certainly wouldn't be inviting any boys! The way things stand at the moment my DD is not talking to me at all and has refused to have any dinner with us. With a bit of luck she'll be speaking to me again by Christmas Day!

I'm sure she will continue to be honest with you because she is probably naturally like that. Believe me, it will be fine. DH and I thought we might have to replace some of the doors in our house after our DD had a fit. I bet she will be speaking to you again tomorrow - let her be piqued tonight - allow her the luxury of reacting like a teenager. And remember, you are just being a loving mum so don't beat yourself up over it.

I really sympathise with you - and agree with everyone else that you have absolutely done the right thing. It is hard that your DD is angry and especially hard that she feels she has been punished for doing the right thing (but then so have you!). It sounds as if you have a good relationship - I'm sure you'll weather this particular storm.

Why don't you show her these posts?