How to get a DS to exercise self control!
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How to get a DS to exercise self control!
The school has confirmed what I already know about my Yr 7 - but still only 11yr - DS. He is immature 
We've been told he needs to exercise more self-control. I do totally agree - he gets distracted, chats (esp in lessons like art / drama etc), fidgets constantly, rolls around on the grass in PE etc. You can tell him to stop & he will, but within a few minutes he'll start again. I know how irritating this must be for his teachers (& classmates). I feel like I spend half my life nagging him about the same old stuff at home. And even mid-telling off, his eyes are either rolling or trying to look elsewhere...he just doesn't see much from outside his own viewpoint.
I would really like to help him 'accelerate his maturity' (yep, that's what they said). But I'm at a total loss as to what practical things I can do - continual nagging doesn't work.
Anyone got any bright ideas please? Or can anyone console me that I'm not alone?!
We've been told he needs to exercise more self-control. I do totally agree - he gets distracted, chats (esp in lessons like art / drama etc), fidgets constantly, rolls around on the grass in PE etc. You can tell him to stop & he will, but within a few minutes he'll start again. I know how irritating this must be for his teachers (& classmates). I feel like I spend half my life nagging him about the same old stuff at home. And even mid-telling off, his eyes are either rolling or trying to look elsewhere...he just doesn't see much from outside his own viewpoint.
I would really like to help him 'accelerate his maturity' (yep, that's what they said). But I'm at a total loss as to what practical things I can do - continual nagging doesn't work.
Anyone got any bright ideas please? Or can anyone console me that I'm not alone?!
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Waiting_For_Godot
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- Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2010 1:57 pm
Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
Watches thread with interest as you've described my son to a tee. That's the son I've decided to home ed...
Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
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Last edited by Belinda on Sat Nov 03, 2012 7:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
It will suprise no one to know that I agree with you Belinda, it's tough love here too. If you nag, they will rely on you to nag and won't learn to nag themselves, which is what you're aiming at, in essence. In fact we might get some endorsement for this line soon as someone (sadly not me) has written a book on overparenting- it got a full page spread in The Times on Saturday and endorsement from Prof Tanya Byron. I suddenly felt almost mainstream reading the article.
Basic message, 'It's one thing to provide our children shelter in a storm and another to function as their entire weather system'. There, saved you £20.
Basic message, 'It's one thing to provide our children shelter in a storm and another to function as their entire weather system'. There, saved you £20.
Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
I sympathise. We nearly cried after last parents eve (y8) Although fine for some lessons the theme was talks too much, needs to listen, get on with things etc the form teacher was nice but sounded annoyed with DDs behaviour. DD had not done anything major but probably like your DS just needed to focus more.
We came down hard with big talking to, DD had to give up phone and use an old one, no ipod for a month and grounded. DD also apologised in person to a couple of the teachers who had not been happy.
We asked form teacher to jot down in planner if DD improved and said that teachers respected pupils who were not naturally perfectly behaved and could turn it around. As Belinda said it did mean not wavering and giving in and giving lots of encouragement.
The good news is since then DD has improved massively and the same teachers have been full of praise for her. (It is a few months later) She has managed to zip it in lessons and save the chat for breaks. It can be done. We still have our moments and DD can be a pain to get up and out in the mornings at times but definitely feel that clamping down and showing you insist on certain standards of behaviour or attitude at school helped DD. DD says she feels better about herself too.
I agree with Belinda when she says you have to be prepared to let them forget things and take the consequences.
All the best to you. Remember you're not alone. And don't go talking to those parents who tell you how absolutely marvellous and perfect little x is who never puts a foot wrong and has a list of achievements a mile long.
We came down hard with big talking to, DD had to give up phone and use an old one, no ipod for a month and grounded. DD also apologised in person to a couple of the teachers who had not been happy.
We asked form teacher to jot down in planner if DD improved and said that teachers respected pupils who were not naturally perfectly behaved and could turn it around. As Belinda said it did mean not wavering and giving in and giving lots of encouragement.
The good news is since then DD has improved massively and the same teachers have been full of praise for her. (It is a few months later) She has managed to zip it in lessons and save the chat for breaks. It can be done. We still have our moments and DD can be a pain to get up and out in the mornings at times but definitely feel that clamping down and showing you insist on certain standards of behaviour or attitude at school helped DD. DD says she feels better about herself too.
I agree with Belinda when she says you have to be prepared to let them forget things and take the consequences.
All the best to you. Remember you're not alone. And don't go talking to those parents who tell you how absolutely marvellous and perfect little x is who never puts a foot wrong and has a list of achievements a mile long.
Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
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Last edited by Belinda on Sat Nov 03, 2012 7:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
Not by me! Agree agree agree agree....Belinda wrote:
Also... Let them be! We don't seem to let kids just 'be' anymore. I not entirely sure I'd like to be a child in this day and age; the pressures... from everywhere! I'm pretty sure I was still quite childlike and disappearing off for a day with friends (and no mobile
Probably viewed as irresponsible parenting by some today?
Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
I'm just wondering Tense, is there a time/subject/ person for whom he doesn't behave in this way? I'm wondering if it's universal or in certain situations?
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Waiting_For_Godot
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Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
I agree in part that it's important to let kids make mistakes but when a child continually cannot manage to organise themselves, they get into detentions for forgetting the same things each day and they display behaviour like Tense describes then its very possible that there is some form of mild special need that cannot be remedied by tough love. I took my son out because he was not thriving academically at school and he was getting worse and worse. I did try a lot of strategies to help him and was very consistent with the tough love, not packing their bags etc but it has not made one bit of difference.
The problem is that if a child was blind then provision and strategies would be put in place. However it's difficult to know if Tense describes normal behaviour that he will grow out of with some tough love or if he needs some help because there is an underlying problem. Would we offer tough love to a blind child? Of course not but even schools do not bother to offer strategies to help the distractable and disorganised child, they just complain to the parents about it. If a child is in school for 6+ hours a day then the school need to be proactive about helping such a child.
The problem is that if a child was blind then provision and strategies would be put in place. However it's difficult to know if Tense describes normal behaviour that he will grow out of with some tough love or if he needs some help because there is an underlying problem. Would we offer tough love to a blind child? Of course not but even schools do not bother to offer strategies to help the distractable and disorganised child, they just complain to the parents about it. If a child is in school for 6+ hours a day then the school need to be proactive about helping such a child.
Re: How to get a DS to exercise self control!
WFG I do agree with you there. Actually DD I was talking about is dyslexic and can find some organisation a problem but I also realised that she was getting a bit uppity and was capable of more self control which she has got to grips with. I am sure there have been a few lapses but I was pleased with her last effort grades which were her best yet even with a couple of 3s. I just want her to be the best she can be and that includes faults and foibles after all they also make her the fun loving and friendly person she is.
Tense don't forget that most of the Dcs are tired and had enough now so let your DS have a good break and he will probably be fine next term. Just let it be a fresh start. Maybe offer a few incentives for behaviour and check there is nothing underlying it like any academic worries or friendship issues. Build up a good relationship with a member of staff and ask if they can support you in helping DS. Maybe there is a teacher your DS likes and might have a chat to him.
Don't worry about it too much it is pretty normal for kids to have a few ups and downs in these years.
Tense don't forget that most of the Dcs are tired and had enough now so let your DS have a good break and he will probably be fine next term. Just let it be a fresh start. Maybe offer a few incentives for behaviour and check there is nothing underlying it like any academic worries or friendship issues. Build up a good relationship with a member of staff and ask if they can support you in helping DS. Maybe there is a teacher your DS likes and might have a chat to him.
Don't worry about it too much it is pretty normal for kids to have a few ups and downs in these years.
