Parenting issues

[menagerie]

Neveragain, it sounds to me like you have got it right. Thanks for that reminder. they need to find their own drive. I do hover more than I should, and my children have some pretty eye watering learned helplessness which we are working on right now. (9 year old who claims he can't butter his own toast... ) The less I do for them, the more motivated and confident they seem. That is a really useful reminder.

I used to sit down with them when they did homework, but now leave the room. Where I meltdown is where it's really important to me, or I can see a storm brewing. One of my children is far more motivated than the other, and his hard work means he's likely to get into any school he wants. His brother is utterly laid back and heading for failure in the selective exams. He's bright enough but lacks drive and confidence. I can't bear to leave the consequences to him, but it can turn into nagging and falls on deaf ears...

[DC17C]

Totally agree with the need for self motivation - it seems to have suddenly happened with DD( now 11) from the start of Yr6 to the end the change is amazing. I was really worried whether she could get her self up in the mornings to catch a bus for senior school as mornings used to be a nightmare, homework I don't mention and it seems to get done and Dd is asking to do get involved in several clubs and is organising her time herself -I am learning to back off as hovering or getting too involved results in very scary glares.

10 yr old DS is another matter at the moment - just hope we have a similar metamorphosis!! He cannot seem find a pair of shoes right in front of him at the moment - and yes I have had his eyes checked.

[mystery]

OP, the thing I would have appreciated most of all was some advance warning and skin thickening to prepare me for how strange some other school mothers can be, how hard it sometimes can be for school-age children to get "reliable friends" through no fault of their own, and how to ignore school and get the most out of your child.

Not sure if that is the kind of stuff you are looking for in your new business venture though. Good luck with it; a sleep clinic sounds like a good plan. I was so exhausted by the time DD1 was 6 weeks I read Ferber cover to cover then and did my own meaner version as I was desperate. It worked a treat. Equally people who have the babies sleep with them (taking care not to get them too hot) seem to do well too. Different solutions for different families. I didn't do that because my DH sleeps like the dead and would probably have squashed them to death without realising it.

I hope I didn't do deep psychological damage to be discovered in the teenage years though!! Now when they moan they can't sleep I just tell them to go back to bed and read so they'll probably eventually be insomniacs like me.

[mm23292]

Yes the strange school mother snydrome was not one I was prepared for. Was a huge shock to the system. Especially when I became a SAHM having worked f/t for 20 years, in a village where I knew nobody and they were all home grown! Why is it that a man can walk into a group of other men, and strike up a conversation with simple ease, all laid back with eachother, no hidden agenda. Yet a new mum walking into a playground of other mums, is like a stranger coming to the saloon scene, from an old b&w western!
And as for the 'reliable friends' topic...some of my dd's experiences have bordered on damaging...with some girls exhibiting playground behaviour that has been nothing short of cruel. Perhaps they are in training for playground motherhood

[mystery]

Yes, like mother like daughter it would seem! Also, it's training for us - we get the rough ride from other mothers which enables us to brush up on our skills in handling it and also to teach our children how to deal with the tough situations!

One day I'm going to write a book about it. If I do it too soon it will be too easily identifiable to a very small number of people. Maybe the smaller the village and the smaller the school the bigger the problem?

[Amber]

Yes, it is funny how there are several books specially written for parents of boys, as if boys were such a problem they merited their own publishing industry, but nothing for parents of girls, who in my personal and professional experience are a lot more tricky than boys. Little madams are made, not born; and I do think mothers have a fair bit to answer for. But think of groups of women - b****y behaviour is commonplace so it's hardly surprising that many little girls grow up thinking it is ok to strut around In exclusive little cliques lording it over less socially competent types in the playground and making sure every girl knows if she is 'in' or 'out'.

I think it has to do with a competitive streak that runs through many aspects of English life, and women are so much better at manifesting it than men. It's one reason I cannot do big social gatherings...all those women waiting to judge and pounce. Bleah.

[pixiequeen]

There are a couple of books, Amber. 'Queen Bees and Wannabees' is the best. It's quite enlightening reading and focuses, as you can probably guess from the title, on that awful 'cliquey' behaviour girls can exhibit. It's American, but pretty relevant, although I hope in a watered down way , here.

[daughter]

Amber - I found watching Mean Girls film with DDs at various stages very useful. It has sufficient parallels to the "mean" behaviour our children may encounter but it is also slightly distant due to it's Americanism etc. It provided good opening points and conversation starters when DD2 encountered a few situations. We were able to compare with the film and find positive outcomes. I can't remember it's rating, there are a few slightly dodgy bits but i watched it with my DD at about 11-12 yrs of age. We still sometimes refer to the stereotypes in conversation e.g. "she's a bit of a plastic".

Back to OP - I do work in Parenting a little and a tip parents often find useful is how to start conversations with their DC particularly around trickier subjects and as the get older when they tend to cringe and or walk off! TV programmes are an excellent way to start to discuss issues, whether it be drugs, homosexuality, alcohol, teenage pregancy and more !!! Soaps like Eastenders often have storylines you can develop into a conversation.

[Amber]

I think my point was that there are some great books around (Steve Biddulph comes to mind) on how to parent boys. I am not knocking these: 'Raising Boys' is a classic. The book and film (assume it's a film) mentioned here seem to be based on an acceptance of how girls are, rather than aimed at parents to try and change the way they think of their daughters. I don't really want to read a book about what girls are like -I know enough of that to write my own book - my point is that if there are going to be books aimed at improving how boys are parented then I don't see why someone couldn't write one aimed at getting parents to change some of the messages they pass onto their daughters too. I see this as a subtle acceptance that boys are a 'problem' and we need to change them; whereas girls will be girls - and let's get used to it and maybe even have a laugh about it. Girls who have been ruthlessly bullied by other girls would definitely not agree that boys are the only problem.


That said, after child number one, I chucked all books out and did it my way. I think it would be better if as a society we had a better sense of community and shared responsibility for bringing up children with compassion and understanding, while trying to instil self-discipline and a sense of common purpose among children. To me this would seem far preferable to yet more 'how to' guides and a hostile society waiting to pillory parents who 'get it wrong'. There are always people standing on the sidelines tutting when a child misbehaves, but in my view another book won't change that- we need to start caring for one another and not just for our own little tribe. After all, it is in the best interests of all of us that each and every child grows up aware of his/her place in the big scheme of things (and that place is not at the epicentre) and responsibilities towards others, particularly those who at any one time might be weaker or less able. No one can ever be sure it won't be they who one day need a kind word or a sympathetic arm round their shoulders.

[mad?]

The book and film (assume it's a film) mentioned here seem to be based on an acceptance of how girls are, rather than aimed at parents to try and change the way they think of their daughters.

Not related to the film (which I rather enjoyed) but I think the above is a huge issue. How many times do 'we' just shrug our shoulders and just say 'that's girls for you'. If boys were tearing each other limb from limb at school everyday it would not be tolerated but it seems to me that there is a pervasive acceptance of girls' behaviour and an assumption that they will all come good in the end. Which of course, they don't, they get away with it and it continues into adulthood.

After all, it is in the best interests of all of us that each and every child grows up aware of his/her place in the big scheme of things (and that place is not at the epicentre) and responsibilities towards others, particularly those who at any one time might be weaker or less able. No one can ever be sure it won't be they who one day need a kind word or a sympathetic arm round their shoulders.

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