"Mortified"

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lottie78
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 11:13 am

Re: "Mortified"

Post by lottie78 »

Hi,
I'm struggling with the whole thing. I have a 6yr old devastated by it all as Oscar is his absolute hero. I've had to stop him watching the news as he gets angry and upset, constantly saying but it was an accident, Oscar wouldn't do that!!!
What do I say? My son has the same condition as Oscar (although not had amputation) and we have been in contact, he has sent some lovely messages of support and encouragement to me and my son which I will always hold dear and be grateful for regardless of the outcome of the trial.
The media coverage will not help the case, the court looked like a free for all.
Whatever the outcome of the trial two families will live with the awful consequences and many more will be effected in some way.
Daogroupie
Posts: 11099
Joined: Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:01 pm
Location: Herts

Re: "Mortified"

Post by Daogroupie »

Oh, that is really awful for you Lottie78. Oscar is still the same person he was, he just made a mistake that had really really terrible consequences. One of things hard for us to understand is living in a society with a major gun culture. According to the papers Oscar loved guns, was often down the shooting range and actually fired his gun in a restaurant the week before the shooting. Was there a small part of him that was excited by being actually able to use his gun? I lived in America for six years and found being around guns terrifying. If you own a gun you are 18 times more likely to use it against a member of your own family than against an intruder. The papers were always full of terrible stories about parents shooting their own children by mistake because they thought it was an intruder. A girl who took a gun to school in her lunchbox to show her friends and it went off in class killing the girl in front of her. There was a case here where a mother went to London and her son took out her gun while she was gone and ended up killing his sister. It is such a shame nobody warned Oscar about the facts about owning a gun. She would not be dead if he did not have a gun. You can't pull a knife on someone who is behind a locked door. I was living in America when OJ Simpson was charged with murder. People were crying in the streets because he was so loved. Many people refused to believe that he abused his ex wife. They are both still great sportsman and made it against many odds. Guns ruin lives more than they save them. DG
mystery
Posts: 8927
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:56 pm

Re: "Mortified"

Post by mystery »

Yes, possibly, but it's very hard for Lottie's son. It might not be a good idea to imply that Oscar is wonderful still, in case he's not! And maybe he never was any how - who knows? It's easy to ascribe great personality, strength of character, morality, kindness etc etc to someone world famous and apparently on a winning streak ... it doesn't mean they have any of those great strengths though - they might, they might not. Only someone who knew them personally through thick and thin would know this. Maybe it's an early but tough lesson in not idolising someone at a distance. Your son can still take inspiration from how Oscar achieved amazing physical feats but I'm really not sure about the rest.

I sure wouldn't want to be his friend even if it was genuinely an accident - at best, he's as childish as the child who shot the gun in her lunch box. He's dangerous.
Amber
Posts: 8058
Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:59 am

Re: "Mortified"

Post by Amber »

I agree with that entire post, mystery.

My lot were disillusioned when he had his little outburst after being beaten in the 200m and we talked about precisely some of the things you put in your post...that being a Paralympic hero doesn't turn you into a saint. 'Mistake' is a very mild word for blowing someone's brains out.
Mindset
Posts: 96
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:40 am

Re: "Mortified"

Post by Mindset »

How tricky Lottie, I don't envy you. We too had a 'fallen hero' situation, although not with a famous person. My approach was to sit together and write 2 lists, one of all the characteristics we admired in the person (so here triumph over adversity, determination, resilience, kindness in writing letters of support etc) and one of those we didn't (tempestuous, playing with dangerous things, acting without worrying about the consequences etc) We decided we wanted to keep the first list close to us, so we got a cheap canvas and made a piece of art with the words on. We decided we didn't want the second list near us, so we wrote them on a helium balloon and let it go.

Occasionally, if he shows behaviour from the second list I can remind him that this was the behaviour we didn't want in our home, which I find is a non-threatening way to challenge behaviour. I'm not sure if something similar might help, but I thought it was worth mentioning in case you can cherry-pick anything. M
mystery
Posts: 8927
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:56 pm

Re: "Mortified"

Post by mystery »

I like that idea.

I wonder if it could be applied to children's friends when there's a major disruption over something relatively minor and lack of forgiveness - the helium balloon could be let go to symbolise trying to forgive and forget, and the child can carry on being friends knowing that their friend is not perfect but has some great and desirable strengths. Maybe also we could all think about what people would write about us on the helium balloon.

Back to Oscar - it is terribly, terribly sad all round, and yes the culture in which he lives plays a part but, unless there are some significant facts we haven't yet heard, or the facts we have heard are wrong (and both is possible) what he did is very, very strange, even if he was genuinely scared in the middle of the night. That was a bad sentence.

I cannot imagine what her family is going through. I just hope he is purely and simply foolish, maybe unable to control anger, and does not have the "backing" of some criminal gang as well as his extreme wealth to see him through safely at the expense of others.
pheasantchick
Posts: 2439
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:28 pm

Re: "Mortified"

Post by pheasantchick »

Mindset - what a great idea!

We were at the Olympics when Oscar didn't win that race, it was only afterwards that we heard about his cheating allegations. It tarnished my opinion of him also.

I think The Last Leg summarised the situation well last week. The host, Adam Hill said that had it been a dreadful mistake, then they felt devastated. However, had it been murder, then they were also devastated. I hope that makes sense. I'm not sure I've explained it well.
Mindset
Posts: 96
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:40 am

Re: "Mortified"

Post by Mindset »

mystery wrote:I like that idea.

I wonder if it could be applied to children's friends when there's a major disruption over something relatively minor and lack of forgiveness - the helium balloon could be let go to symbolise trying to forgive and forget, and the child can carry on being friends knowing that their friend is not perfect but has some great and desirable strengths. Maybe also we could all think about what people would write about us.
Quite! And yes, I think there are a lot of times when we need to separate the behaviour from the individual, so that we can move on. Anything that helps little ones (6 is so young to even know about the word murder) do this seems good to me. And big ones! I use this method myself... although I confess with a bit of paper and a match rather than a balloon! M
Amber
Posts: 8058
Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:59 am

Re: "Mortified"

Post by Amber »

Separating the behaviour from the individual is fine as long as it does not make any individual believe that they are not responsible for their own behaviour. One thing I say to my children a lot is that they always have a choice of how to behave, and that while others may provoke them, ultimately how they react is up to them.
mystery
Posts: 8927
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:56 pm

Re: "Mortified"

Post by mystery »

That might work better with my children as they'd probably be very sad to see a helium balloon go!
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