How do "problem solving parents" manage the transition?
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Re: How do "problem solving parents" manage the transition?
Well here's a thought. My children have all at various points been bullied; one of them very badly for a long period of time. This blows the 'here's my instant solution' mindset out of the water - it doesn't work for one thing and for another it isn't what your child needs. That's where all the empathy, TLC etc has to come in, as well as helping them to develop strategies for themselves. So maybe it is easier for those whose children haven't always sailed through easily to be able to do the sympathy bit? I used to cry though and my children hated that. Hated it. I cry easily and still have a job not doing so if someone I care about (or even someone I don't!) is hurt or upset.
I also think that on the whole it tends to be fathers who want to offer a speedy 'well you need to do this, obviously' response while mothers are more likely to soothe the troubled brow. But there isn't a right and a wrong way, is there? For me the most important thing is that I want my children to be decent human beings with a sense of compassion and caring towards others and the world around them; and I think to get that you have to model it and maybe you model it by showing sympathy and understanding to them. Others have different goals for their children so will parent differently. You can't be what you're not. I console myself with that sometimes when I see other people seeming all calm and quiet around their calm and quiet children while mine are sparking off and I am trying not to boil over.
I also think that on the whole it tends to be fathers who want to offer a speedy 'well you need to do this, obviously' response while mothers are more likely to soothe the troubled brow. But there isn't a right and a wrong way, is there? For me the most important thing is that I want my children to be decent human beings with a sense of compassion and caring towards others and the world around them; and I think to get that you have to model it and maybe you model it by showing sympathy and understanding to them. Others have different goals for their children so will parent differently. You can't be what you're not. I console myself with that sometimes when I see other people seeming all calm and quiet around their calm and quiet children while mine are sparking off and I am trying not to boil over.
Re: How do "problem solving parents" manage the transition?
On the other hand, there is nothing more deeply irritating than the DC who moans repeatedly about the same thing, yet won't actually do anything about it....!
Re: How do "problem solving parents" manage the transition?
I have been working my way through the training pathway for Therapeutic counselling for the past 18 months. The first 2 courses focused on listening skills based on the work of Carl Rogers. He was an American Psychologist whose Person centred counselling model has also influenced education and diplomacy including the Northern Ireland peace process.
His ideas focus very much on the importance of the counselling relationship and the personal qualities of the counsellor to be genuine, listen empathically( paraphrasing and reflecting what they are hearing ) and being non directive( allowing the person with the problem to deal with it themselves and not trying to fix it. I have found life with my 2 teens and my OH has been much improved since I no longer feel I need to fix everything
His ideas focus very much on the importance of the counselling relationship and the personal qualities of the counsellor to be genuine, listen empathically( paraphrasing and reflecting what they are hearing ) and being non directive( allowing the person with the problem to deal with it themselves and not trying to fix it. I have found life with my 2 teens and my OH has been much improved since I no longer feel I need to fix everything
Re: How do "problem solving parents" manage the transition?
I've studied 'coaching' as part of my job working with NQTs and have found the GROW strategy useful.
Maybe worth a look?
Maybe worth a look?
Re: How do "problem solving parents" manage the transition?
I think the Grow strategy is a good one, it enables the 'mentee' to develop strategies for answering their own questions and making the right decisions. However, as someone who still bridles at people offering me solutions (which I would ask for if I wanted/needed them) when all I want is a quick rant and a little listen I am not sure it is the right strategy in the situation described by the OP.
Support can vary along a scale from practical to empathetic and we all have different preferences of what we receive/give in these situations. The OP is clearly aware of how she naturally responds (well done!) and is seeking strategies to adjust to her DC. As parents (especially Mums) even the least practical of us have become conditioned to problem solving, needs must, but actually it is not always ideal.
Professionally speaking the 'required response' is to listen, listen, listen again, let them find their own solution. Failing that make sure they think your solution, carefully disguised as an empathetic question/comment, is their idea. It is also important to get DC used to the idea that some problems can't be solved and just have to be navigated/accepted. Actually it is probably more important for us to get used to not being able to 'make things right' for our DC, horrid feeling, fact of life.
Realistically speaking, take a deep breath and get ready, the teens are coming and you are wrong no matter what you do, so kick back, have a glass of wine and wait, if the really need your help they will ask in the end
Support can vary along a scale from practical to empathetic and we all have different preferences of what we receive/give in these situations. The OP is clearly aware of how she naturally responds (well done!) and is seeking strategies to adjust to her DC. As parents (especially Mums) even the least practical of us have become conditioned to problem solving, needs must, but actually it is not always ideal.
Professionally speaking the 'required response' is to listen, listen, listen again, let them find their own solution. Failing that make sure they think your solution, carefully disguised as an empathetic question/comment, is their idea. It is also important to get DC used to the idea that some problems can't be solved and just have to be navigated/accepted. Actually it is probably more important for us to get used to not being able to 'make things right' for our DC, horrid feeling, fact of life.
Realistically speaking, take a deep breath and get ready, the teens are coming and you are wrong no matter what you do, so kick back, have a glass of wine and wait, if the really need your help they will ask in the end
mad?