Pressure

[pushymother]

I am the one cracking under the pressure.

DD said she is a bit nervous but I tell her to just try her best and that mummy and daddy will make sure she goes to a good school.

Our "back up plan" is private education....DD has a younger sibling.....DH sighs and says, "that's ok, I realise I won't be retiring until I am 75"....

I look on with envy at the holidays my in-laws go on constantly. My father in law retired at 59 and they have enjoyed his final salary pension into their 80's so far.....

My work pension is dire due to all the career breaks and flexible working that I have been doing around child rearing.

Hasn't the world changed from when we were children.....Alas....

[VH73]

I agree totally. I'm glad I'm not the one "suffering" under this pressure. And I've only got one.

[modernista]

Also, to avoid pressure, tell your DD repeatedly you will love her no matter which school she goes too.

[southbucks3]

Whatever their very favourite activity is, find out as many plusses as possible associated with it at the alternative school. I am lucky, the local upper is in the throes of having a brand spanking new sports complex built.

Ds1 used to get tonsillitus at the mere mention of a test, sats mocks, 11+ mock you name it he got croaky white spotty tonsils, so although he looked very chilled his body had a tell. Interestingly he now gets reflux due to stress and other things. They say people that are cool on the outside are often whirling in the middle....particularly boys and men. So watch out for tells: cracked corners of mouth, bags round eyes, sore cuticles, tummy ache is a very common one and nausea; caused by adrenalin overload.

My ds2 bless him said he felt like "my heart was beating outside my body" when he realised there was no way he could get enough of the maths questions completed to pass. He told me that when I took just ten minutes out with him to explain how he felt for appeal paperwork....this was two months after the test! On the day I could tell he wanted to move on..So I let him by keeping quiet...also v important imo.

Edited to say: I realise I have made son number one look a bit of a wuss...He really is not, he is very typical stiff upper lip, rough and tumble, sports playing, danger junkie outside our house, he would just rather hide all his emotions from anyone but mum and dad!

[Peridot]

My two didn't seem to feel the pressure during the run-up to the exam, and I didn't feel guilty as they both really liked the school each of them was applying for and wanted to give it their best shot; they just got thoroughly fed up and bored with practice papers. We were careful not to appear stressed or bothered about which school they went to - and we are very lucky in our area that we also have great comprehensives where children are happy and do well, so they would have been fine wherever they went.

On exam day my son definitely felt stressed and felt he did badly. We just praised him for doing his best in difficult circumstances (the were some problems in the exam room on the day). As for me, it was only when 1st March came around that I realised how incredibly stressed I was - when I had the envelope in my hand waiting to be opened (teething problems with emails that year so I didn't get one and had to wait for snail mail).

My daughter definitely didn't feel stressed as I think she copes with exam pressure better. I had also heard about mock tests by that stage and I do think that made a difference; she'd already experienced exam conditions and knew what it would be like, whereas my son hadn't and it threw him on the day.

I think you have to do what seems right for your children's abilities and attitudes, and if they want to go for it, give them the opportunity. Mine are certainly happy and thriving at their chosen schools and working hard, so I think they feel that the effort of having to do an entrance exam was worthwhile.

[parent2013]

Cracking under pressure due to sheer amount of study, complexity and syllabus is quite common regardless of the mental capability of child. Think from their perspective, there is easy day from 9 to 3.30 at school and very busy weekend and morning/evening doing scary looking comprehensions, advanced maths and creative writing.

Not every child in the primary school prepares for GS which makes the other children (who are preparing) them feel, why should I work hard when my friends are going to the local state school. The summer months are the toughest where they want to play whole weekend rather than doing Bond, GL.

The exam morning is another one when he/she actually goes to the exam centre and waiting with tons of unfamiliar faces. Then comes the result day, which again is indicative result subject to council allocation. It is the allocation day when you're actually sure that the **** is over (for most).

I personally found it more stressful than changing job & buying house.

[ToadMum]

Cracking under pressure due to sheer amount of study, complexity and syllabus is quite common regardless of the mental capability of child. Think from their perspective, there is easy day from 9 to 3.30 at school and very busy weekend and morning/evening doing scary looking comprehensions, advanced maths and creative writing.

a) Genuinely, I do not wish to belittle the pain of others and b) okay, we were only looking at in-catchment places reserved for us dim locals at the Southend grammars rather than a super-selective and c) chacun à son goût as they say, but seriously, this does not describe our DCs' experience (And no, I don't feel that I would have to bribe them to agree with me). All three took / are taking full advantage of extension work as well as their normal lessons at school and also knew that our view was that they got in or otherwise on their own merit. But yes, even we did ruin the occasional dull, grey summer holiday morning with a CSSE sample paper.

The exam morning is another one when he/she actually goes to the exam centre and waiting with tons of unfamiliar faces. Then comes the result day, which again is indicative result subject to council allocation. It is the allocation day when you're actually sure that the **** is over (for most).

Turned up on the appointed morning at selected GS, said hello to the few boys / girls they actually knew, whilst waiting chatted with a few people I / they didn't, got taken off to relevant room and took exam, came out and met collecting parent. I am almost willing to believe that our DC are just plain strange, because they really didn't find this find this a big deal. (What made the most of an impression on DS2, for example, was that they had had his favourite custard creams during the break).

To be fair, results / allocation day in 2012 for DD was somewhat stressful for all concerned, when we discovered that she had not passed and had been allocated a school we hadn't even considered. Fortunately, though, much in the manner of those ghastly (usually US parent-) companies which insist that there are no problems, only opportunities, she found herself in the grammar stream at said school and was happy there.

(But BTW, grammar schools are state schools, just the same as your local comprehensive ).

[debs2028]

My ds felt a lot of pressure , he had temper tantrums and complete meltdowns . We are out if catchment and for various reasons my ds needed a fresh start and chose a grammar school 5 months before exam and summer holidays booked, ) Despite knowing he needed to pass to go to the school of his choice , we had a horrible time and I nearly stopped preparation lots of times .

I sat waiting while he did exam , watched children coming out crying ( not ds but he looked shaken ) and wondered why we had done it .

Fast forward to results and ds had easily passed ( might, not have needed so much prep I guess ) , the elation he felt was fantastic.

He is extremely proud he is at grammar and absolutely loves the school , so I guess in ,the long run it was worth it .

Ds does not handle pressure well and he is going to have to learn to cope with it , but it did seem a hard lesson so young

All children are different and friends children coped a lot better , it was worth it because he passed . Had he not I would be telling a different story

Debs

[parent2013]

a) Genuinely, I do not wish to belittle the pain of others and b) okay, we were only looking at in-catchment places reserved for us dim locals at the Southend grammars rather than a super-selective and c) chacun à son goût as they say, but seriously, this does not describe our DCs' experience (And no, I don't feel that I would have to bribe them to agree with me). All three took / are taking full advantage of extension work as well as their normal lessons at school and also knew that our view was that they got in or otherwise on their own merit. But yes, even we did ruin the occasional dull, grey summer holiday morning with a CSSE sample paper.

Turned up on the appointed morning at selected GS, said hello to the few boys / girls they actually knew, whilst waiting chatted with a few people I / they didn't, got taken off to relevant room and took exam, came out and met collecting parent. I am almost willing to believe that our DC are just plain strange, because they really didn't find this find this a big deal. (What made the most of an impression on DS2, for example, was that they had had his favourite custard creams during the break).

To be fair, results / allocation day in 2012 for DD was somewhat stressful for all concerned, when we discovered that she had not passed and had been allocated a school we hadn't even considered. Fortunately, though, much in the manner of those ghastly (usually US parent-) companies which insist that there are no problems, only opportunities, she found herself in the grammar stream at said school and was happy there.

(But BTW, grammar schools are state schools, just the same as your local comprehensive ).

Thanks for dissecting my post. One may set a low target, take it easy and could be lucky OR set a high target, work very hard for 18-24 months and still miss it. Therefore, a lot depends on where you set the bar i.e. which school were in your list, how competitive the exams are, how hard one tried and how much is at stake if not selected. That is what builds up pressure I guess - the fear of failure.

[neveragainmum]

Yes I feel really guilty about making my ds do all the extra work required to sit these exams, and all my friends apart from one dont understand why i do, they just dont get it and think im being OTT. However I tell myself that even if they dont pass, they will at least benefit at a higher level at a comprehensive school. It is very very pressurised but of course so much is at stake and nothing worthwhile comes easy. When the exams are finished I intend to let my ds have loads of fun and very minimal work in year 6, so they can chill out and so deservedly either way. Im sooo glad I only have one child to go through this, I wouldnt have the energy to do it again and really admire the parents that do.