Hi all,
I have 2 boys. DS1 already in a grammar school, DS2 will be starting in a comprehensive in September as we were not successful at appeal. Anyone in this situation. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

Make a concerted effort to make sure that DS2 does not feel inferior in any way. No matter what your concerns, do not negatively compare the two schools when he is listening. Focus on the things at the comp that meet his particular interests and positives. A hard working child with a supportive home will do well anywhere and children adjust well - better than parents in the main!

I agree with everything KCG says. DD1 chose to go to the local girls’ comp even though she passed the 11+ and could have gone to a GS. She went to a GS for sixth form and now has a place to study languages at Durham University in September. One of her friends who stayed at the same comp for sixth form is off to Oxford to study maths. A motivated child will do well wherever they go.

My siblings and I all went to different schools (mix of grammar and comp) and my parents did the right thing by treating us as individuals and parenting us as such but also having the same behavioural expectations. Just let the kids be themselves and you'll be grand.

I’m in the same situation, DD1 doing well at a GS, DD2 about to start at the local comp.
We have been very clear to stress that the schools aren’t better/wprse but it’s the one that will work best for them that is the most important thing.

As they’re only 1 year apart and very different personalities it may actually work out better for them as individuals to have their own school identity and DD2 may well end up having better self-esteem at the top end of the comp rather than the lower stream of the GS. We’re all determined to make the best of it, there are lots of good things that she loves about the comp (eg great drama department, science focus school) and she is enthusiastic about the comp which is the most important starter-for-ten.

I am in a similar situation but the other way round. DD1 doing well at a local upper and DD2 going to start at a grammar school this September. So far there’s been no jealousy and DD1 was super proud of her little sister for qualifying. They are very different and each going to the right school for them. DD1 has to work quite hard to stay in the top set and it’s challenging her to keep trying. She is rewarded for her efforts and not her grades which is good.

It is probably easier this way round but we never made going to grammar school a big deal in our house and each child sees their school as the best place for them.

Boys can be competitive. Personally I don’t think you can second guess how it will work out. Our situation was/is very complicated. My older DC got GS places my youngest didn’t. DS3 had an ‘excuse’ and recently, when a different type of school opportunity arose it probably unsettled DS4 who I suspect has always carried a ‘burden’ about being unsuccessful despite ultimately being at the same Upper school DS2 had chosen to remain in for 6th form.( I did say we were complicated )

On the plus side he is the most motivated of all my children. The child that breezed into a GS place has had the most problematic school life, he currently is not taking a traditional education route and is in a low paid/low skilled job.

Be positive when necessary, encourage a good work ethic and just be led by your DS.

Focus on other stuff rather than school it is easy to fall into the trap of getting overly stressed and obsessed about it.

We had this situation two years ago, older DC at grammar, youngest missed qualification (failed appeal/review) at the secondary school. We encouraged DC to embrace the secondary school and they were doing very well, top in top sets however approached me in Year 8 to say wanted another go at getting into grammar. So sat 13+ (did not prep just went on day, totally relaxed about it) and qualified. DC was very fortunate to get a place at allocation day. Another child got a place for Y9 but had to go to appeal. DC was happy at both schools, but does love being with their older sibling. They are very close/good friends and have been great support to each other during some hard times. However a few friendships made at their other school are still going strong - they talk, message and meet up regularly.

Would DC be just as happy now if still at the secondary, probably, but for us (personal medical reasons) it just made it much easier to have them at the same school.

Good luck to your DS2, I am sure he will do well - probably be at the top in his new school, a definite boost. If you do decide to go down 12+ 13+ route just bear in mind, even if they qualify, there is no guarantee of a grammar place.

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Heartmum x x x