Coping with Year 11 stress and anxiety

[Eccentric]

The new age of closed text GCSEs (for Eng lit) has created a lot of fear, but really there is no need. The odd quote is fine (but get your context in please boys and girls - 2 to 3 sentences per paragraph).

Approximations are fine and so is paraphrasing. If your ds/dd can vaguely remember that Mr Hyde is described in animalistic terms in order to illustrate his bestial, cruel nature then they should say exactly that! they don't need an exact quote to make it a valid comment. It is also fine to quote single words if you can't recall the whole phrase.

Re: knowing your limitations - agreed. There is no point trying to persuade someone they are a whizz at something when they clearly aren't. I think accepting and dealing with one's limitations is a sign of maturity and intelligence. Parents have a lot to answer for - I frequently get parents instructing me to 'get my ds/dd up to a 9' when in truth the likelihood of that is very remote. This attitude is endemic in the whole grammar 11 plus process, I find. There are too many parents with unrealistic expectations and this can affect their dc very adversely.

My dd has 3 friends whose parents are expecting them to get all or mostly 9s it is putting them under a huge amount of pressure and they have been very anxious of late as the time for the GCSEs gets ever closer. They may we’ll succeed they are very clever girls but at what cost? I think we underestimate how much our children want to please us. Even though it may not seem to be the case when they hit teenage years.

[kenyancowgirl]

Well...if they're anxious, tell their parents to pop along to the doctors and get a note - it's all the rage apparently - get a note saying you're anxious and get extra time in the exams - as an eminent Psychologist friend of mine said recently (I'm paraphrasing, piggy's!!): parents can and will pay for any advantage nowadays - they will not accept normal behaviour, normal teenagers - there has to be a "syndrome" attached... Another mutual friend has a child who has been in and out of primary - he's bright but doesn't like being in school and big for his age so tended to get into physical fights - he ended up suspended and excluded from primary - he had every assessment under the sun - nothing wrong with him, he just didn't want to be there and didn't want to play by the rules. Eventually they found another "professional" who diagnosed authority avoidance sysndrome. I asked my friend what this was as I hadn't heard of it before - it's effectively a made up syndrome to cover badly behaved children whose parents badger professionals to give a diagnosis as they will not accept: your child needs to learn to behave! But now they ahve what they want, a syndrome to excuse everything he does - and he has exactly what he wants, freedom to roam around the village not attending any sort of education....barking!

Yes, I'm being facetious but it has gone barking - it has gone past the point of evening out disadvantages to the point where "normal" teenagers going into their exams are at a disadvantage because practically everyone else has got the extra time for (some valid) and some very dubious reasons.

I needed to lose weight. I knew I needed to lose weight really but it's easy to avoid it. My GP friend said to me when I went in complaining about back problems - you're overweight, you need to lose weight - you're getting fat. I lost weight. I didn't get offended and I made myself healthier - he then said you are too thin - you have lost too much weight - go easy - I am now healthy and happy. Calling it like it is should be acceptable - people get too easily offended the nearer you are to the truth...

Good on your husband for taking on YP - it can be a thankless task especially if they have never learned the meaning of no - I do know people like your daughter who dig their heels in if you say look at other options - but as you will know from careers advising, if it is clearly wrong on whatever measure (physical/emotional etc) the kindest option is to keep saying it - and sometimes being the one that appears brutal is the kindest option - CA-ing is never about the adviser - the child will never acknowledge the advice given, they have to come to that understanding themselves as if it was their research or epiphany and will rarely credit the adviser for it - I'm fine with that though, as long as they are not being set up to fail which they often (scarily often) are by their parents etc.

[Eccentric]

Well...if they're anxious, tell their parents to pop along to the doctors and get a note - it's all the rage apparently - get a note saying you're anxious and get extra time in the exams - as an eminent Psychologist friend of mine said recently (I'm paraphrasing, piggy's!!): parents can and will pay for any advantage nowadays - they will not accept normal behaviour, normal teenagers - there has to be a "syndrome" attached... Another mutual friend has a child who has been in and out of primary - he's bright but doesn't like being in school and big for his age so tended to get into physical fights - he ended up suspended and excluded from primary - he had every assessment under the sun - nothing wrong with him, he just didn't want to be there and didn't want to play by the rules. Eventually they found another "professional" who diagnosed authority avoidance sysndrome. I asked my friend what this was as I hadn't heard of it before - it's effectively a made up syndrome to cover badly behaved children whose parents badger professionals to give a diagnosis as they will not accept: your child needs to learn to behave! But now they ahve what they want, a syndrome to excuse everything he does - and he has exactly what he wants, freedom to roam around the village not attending any sort of education....barking!

Yes, I'm being facetious but it has gone barking - it has gone past the point of evening out disadvantages to the point where "normal" teenagers going into their exams are at a disadvantage because practically everyone else has got the extra time for (some valid) and some very dubious reasons.

I needed to lose weight. I knew I needed to lose weight really but it's easy to avoid it. My GP friend said to me when I went in complaining about back problems - you're overweight, you need to lose weight - you're getting fat. I lost weight. I didn't get offended and I made myself healthier - he then said you are too thin - you have lost too much weight - go easy - I am now healthy and happy. Calling it like it is should be acceptable - people get too easily offended the nearer you are to the truth...

Good on your husband for taking on YP - it can be a thankless task especially if they have never learned the meaning of no - I do know people like your daughter who dig their heels in if you say look at other options - but as you will know from careers advising, if it is clearly wrong on whatever measure (physical/emotional etc) the kindest option is to keep saying it - and sometimes being the one that appears brutal is the kindest option - CA-ing is never about the adviser - the child will never acknowledge the advice given, they have to come to that understanding themselves as if it was their research or epiphany and will rarely credit the adviser for it - I'm fine with that though, as long as they are not being set up to fail which they often (scarily often) are by their parents etc.

In my daughters case KCG part of the problem is that I am not sure if she is capable or not, the school seem to think she is, highly. They don’t see how hard she works. I do. There are times when I think she is absolutely capabale and of course she will do it and other times when I think it is too much. I want what will make her happy overall in life. We all need challenge but too much challenge is no good either.
IMO emotional triggers (the things that people get upset about) are complex. They can be about personal previous life experiences, they can absolutely happen when things are a bit close to the bone but they can also happen when people make judgments without enough information to do so. Only 30% or less of communication is verbal so it is often hard to read people’s intentions in the written word. With or without emojis.
BTW well done on the weight loss!

[piggys]

Another mutual friend has a child who has been in and out of primary - he's bright but doesn't like being in school and big for his age so tended to get into physical fights - he ended up suspended and excluded from primary - he had every assessment under the sun - nothing wrong with him, he just didn't want to be there and didn't want to play by the rules. Eventually they found another "professional" who diagnosed authority avoidance sysndrome.

Good Lord - now I have heard it all.

[Eccentric]

What horrifiés me is the number of (and I don’t intend this as sexist just from personal experience) boys that I know of in their twenties that have either not gone or dropped out of Uni and are sponging off their parents, living at home refusing to go out to work in jobs that they see as beneath them when they have no qualifications vocational or otherwise beyond A levels. I know if they were my children they would be doing whatever job they could get or they would be out on their ear. Anyone can get a job in hospitality it may not be fun but it’s a job. My eldest has worked in retail and hospitality since she left school, hates it with avenegeance and has been treated very badly at times but it has helped her to realise that it is her responsibility to make it better for herself.

[kenyancowgirl]

Another mutual friend has a child who has been in and out of primary - he's bright but doesn't like being in school and big for his age so tended to get into physical fights - he ended up suspended and excluded from primary - he had every assessment under the sun - nothing wrong with him, he just didn't want to be there and didn't want to play by the rules. Eventually they found another "professional" who diagnosed authority avoidance sysndrome.

Good Lord - now I have heard it all.

I know, right?! As he said, perfectly possible to pay to get a syndrome!!! (Always reminds me of that Maureen Lipman advert...."you got an ology!!!!"

[Eccentric]

Another mutual friend has a child who has been in and out of primary - he's bright but doesn't like being in school and big for his age so tended to get into physical fights - he ended up suspended and excluded from primary - he had every assessment under the sun - nothing wrong with him, he just didn't want to be there and didn't want to play by the rules. Eventually they found another "professional" who diagnosed authority avoidance sysndrome.

Good Lord - now I have heard it all.

I know, right?! As he said, perfectly possible to pay to get a syndrome!!! (Always reminds me of that Maureen Lipman advert...."you got an ology!!!!"

It has become such a thing for middle class children to be diagnosed/given extra time that my DD is embarrassed by her real condition. One of her friends has been given extra time (I won't say what for in case of recognition) for what seems to be a pretty spurious reason. She gets the same extra time as my DD and said to her yesterday, "Don't you get bored in the exams with all the extra time?' No my Dd doesn't get bored she needs the extra time and in English, History and Geography could do with a lit more extra time to level the playing field.

[kenyancowgirl]

I'd be interested to see exam board stats on "adjustments" - certainly in the several schools I work in, girls outnumber boys almost 3:1/4:1. If you took out the needing a WP which doesn't in itself attract extra time, it would be higher (boys definitely have worse writing!) With a lot of things, the world has gone mad. Nobody can joke about anything for fear of offending someone; nobody is allowed to tell the truth for fear of offending someone; nobody can tell anyone no, anymore it has to be maybe; nobody can accept that their child's strengths may not be in academia, they must have a syndrome; nobody accepts their child's strength is not in sport, they must not be "the favourite"; nobody accepts their child's strength is not in drama, the teacher is paying back the parent who comes in and reads every week....I blame the "degrees for everyone" mantra, amongst other things!!

I wonder whether the higher numbers of boys dropping out of Uni you have experienced Eccentric is because girls can be much more emotional at school - tears/going to speak to teachers/pastoral support whenever there is a problem etc to "show" they are really anxious, whereas boys by nature do not, or punch a wall, and then are seen as being trouble, so the girls get, rightly or wrongly, given a diagnosis/learn to access support/a label of depression etc earlier.

Boys are more often still expected to man up, and may struggle at university because they have learned to hide their emotions (as much as girls are encouraged to let it all out all the time). The boys I know who have dropped out have done so big style with serious clinical depression - which, I suppose would add to their inability to go out and get a job and a perception they are just sponging off their parents - without full information it's difficult to tell really.

[kenyancowgirl]

I forgot - the noone is allowed to make any comment for fear of being sued - I note the school in Birmingham which was in the news for introducing a no noise in the corridor policy, relatively recently, have got the lawyers to write to a parent who complained about the archaic policy on Facebook....

Having to move about in silence would certainly add to my stress and anxiety - not sure about Y11s!!

And that's me bringing the completely off topic conversation neatly back to topic: (and dashing off as we have a number of Oxbridge potential candidate friends who are waiting offers - whilst it is not my bag at all, I know it means a whle lot to them and their folks!!)

[Eccentric]

I forgot - the noone is allowed to make any comment for fear of being sued - I note the school in Birmingham which was in the news for introducing a no noise in the corridor policy, relatively recently, have got the lawyers to write to a parent who complained about the archaic policy on Facebook....

Having to move about in silence would certainly add to my stress and anxiety - not sure about Y11s!!

And that's me bringing the completely off topic conversation neatly back to topic: (and dashing off as we have a number of Oxbridge potential candidate friends who are waiting offers - whilst it is not my bag at all, I know it means a whle lot to them and their folks!!)

And I can’t remember which university it was it may have been Manchester who said students were not allowed to clap during lectures. I agree KCG the worl has gone mad. The reason that my Dds diagnosis is so late is that I just made her get in with her life despite finding it hard to learn to read etc. The school picked her dyslexia up not me (despite the fact that i have another dyslexic child who was picked up by the school at 7]. My thought with my youngest was bett r not to be labelled. However what is, is. She now has the label and learning how to negotiate that is as hard as not having it.
Some of the boys that I allude to are just simply lazy but the longer they stay at home the more depressed th y get. I agree though often it is down to depression. I agree wholeheartedly with everything else you say.