I'm a mum that is in a really bad place at the moment

Maidstone mum · Post by **Maidstone mum** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:31 pm

This has been the worse possible 2 days ever.

I was one of the unfortunate parents whose bright, vibrant and beautiful child is not suitable for grammar school. She studied hard bless her and has had tutoring and I am proud of her and rewarding her for it.

However she is not one of societies elite it seems and I will have to come to terms with that. I know that this one examination is not the end of the world, but it does matter.

I realise that a mixed ability school can give her the education required for a good and fruitful future but it is also very likely to drag her down depending on her social network. She can now go one of two ways and I must do my best to ensure she tries to get to the top of her game.

All that time spent studying, months and months for nothing. Still at least my child is one less child requiring a grammar school place - more for everyone else eh!

gogogirl · Post by **gogogirl** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:46 pm

I am so sorry to read your heartfelt post, and can only imagine how you feel.

best wishes to you and your daughter in the future and I am sure such a bright child will always make you proud irrespective of the school she attends. x

Bexley Mum 2 · Post by **Bexley Mum 2** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:50 pm

The two cleverest, most able and successful adults I know didn't pass the 11+. Whichever school your daughter goes to she won't be the only one who has been let down by the system and, with her supportive mum behind her, I'm sure she'll do well.

piwoodhouse · Post by **piwoodhouse** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:58 pm

I really do feel for you and sense your despair. Three very quick points:

1. When I visited Bexley Grammar School I was immensely impressed by the Headmaster who mentioned thta one of his daughters passed her 11+ and the other didn't. Both girls emerged at 16 with identical 'O' level grades and both went on to higher education.

2. With a mother as eloquent as you, your daughter clearly comes from a pretty good gene pool.

3. While I understand your concerns that going to a mixed ability school might "drag her down depending on the social network" is it not equally feasible that your daughter being there might elevate the standard instead?

tonbridgemum · Post by **tonbridgemum** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:10 pm

Maidstonemum. You are not alone with your feelings and you are doing the right thing by posting your thoughts!!! Have you read the thread 'Our story - a year on ftom failure'. 007 mum was in your position last year.
I know you wont believe me but not all children thrive at Grammar school, even when we think its the best place for them!!

Maidstone mum · Post by **Maidstone mum** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:13 pm

You kind words have brought tears to my eyes I really needed to see them right now.

I know that the main thing is to be positive for her and come to terms with it which is why I am hiding my entire disappointment from her - I have to deal with it myself.

The first thing I was going to do was to try to see sight of the maths paper so I can gently cover it with her over year 6 ensuring she goes into Year 7 happy and confident.

I know she is disappointed so I can not be too self indulgent, I just need to be there for her and come up with a way forward - which is proving difficult for me to formulate.

Thankyou everyone

Mary · Post by **Mary** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:16 pm

Maidstone Mum, Those months and months of studying will never be wasted whatever school she goes to and please don't think that the social network at grammar schools are necessarily better - there are children at my daughters grammar whos behaviour leaves a lot to be desired! I didn't go to grammar school in fact I went to a really poor comprehensive in a rough area but I still achieved well and had a good career. I know it seems like the end of the world but it isn't - just read some of the posts from others on this forum whose children didn't go to grammar but have achived well and most importantly are happy.

rachel'smum · Post by **rachel'smum** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:20 pm

Maidstone Mum is sounds to me as though she just had a bad time on the test but may still be suitable for Grammar School? Perhaps you could consider appealing for a place in March? With all her hard work and studying I am sure you have plenty of evidence that she can do it, or you wouldnlt have put her through it to begin with. Would the school help you with an appeal? I am so sorry for you but I think you are doing brilliantly to hide it from your daughter, with a Mum liek you, I am sure she'll go far whichever path she takes.

Milla · Post by **Milla** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:22 pm

Maidstone mum wrote:I know she is disappointed so I can not be too self indulgent, I just need to be there for her and come up with a way forward -

Please don't think of yourself as being self-indulgent; without sounding too grandiose, what you are going through is akin to a sort of mourning. You are adjusting to dealing with a future which is no longer what you thought it was and it is natural and inevitable for you to have run the gamut of emotions from dejection to resentment while not letting on to your child.

You sound a great mother and I can't add any more to what others have said, but have faith in your daughter to continue to do you proud and, once ole time has done his thang and brought a bit of persepective, the whole business will not only be easier to come to terms with but may well end up better than you feared.

And don't worry about the extra work. My friend is a tutor, we have only VR in our area and I was lamenting its virtual pointlessness and she said no, that it taught you how to think and problem-solve so, there you have it!

Good luck to both of you. Grammars are not the be all and end all!

yoyo123 · Post by **yoyo123** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:23 pm

I can only echo what all the others have said.

Please don;t think of the studying as wasted, the skills that she has acquired will stand her in good stead whichever school she goes to.