Getting Stick?

bingybongy · Post by **bingybongy** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 3:47 pm

Has anyone been getting stick from other parents for either putting your child through the 11+, or because your DS/DG got good marks?

We have and it has really upset my wife.

When they ask you whether they passed or not, the second question is "did you coach them?" followed swiftly by "the results don't mean anything anyway, as everyone gets tutored nowadays".

Generally, it comes from parents who chose not to enter their children for one reason or another.

What is wrong with impressing on your own children that if you work hard and try for things in life, you can acheive things???

Anyone else experienced this?

johndoe · Post by **johndoe** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 4:34 pm

Our child got 420 and I can tell you that the one thing we are not doing is broadcasting the score. We are not hiding his score but he is under strict instructions not to go about telling people. This is our reasoning:

1. 11+ scores have a large element of luck. Parading your luck in front of other people is not particularly nice and will inevitably create blow-back.

2. Making a big thing of your child's score is not very pleasant for those whose children, for whatever reason, did not happen to do as well as your child on the day and who are at this stage probably very worried about the next step for their child.

3. Make a big thing of the 11+ and you send the message to the child that this is it - they are a success. That's going to set them up to coast and flunk the transition to secondary school. We are focusing our child on looking forward to the next set of challenges. So we have said to our child 'OK you did well in the 11+ and you were lucky but are you prepared for the next set of challenges? Can you write a coherent sentence? What's your science like?' and so on.

Anyway if you made a big thing of your child's 11+ score then I am not surprised if you got knock backs. Be considerate to other people and you will not create resentment. And remember: it is what the other person thinks is being considerate, not what you think is being considerate.

moved · Post by **moved** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:04 pm

Be proud of your son and do not worry about the other parents at school. I saw no indication in your post that you or your wife had been bragging. If people ask you then, for some reason, they must be interested even out of nosiness. The 11+ is an emotive issue, people can feel that by putting your child into a grammar school you are implying that you are superior to them. It will die down quickly and life will be back to normal. At least until March and then all over again with the allocations. Good luck and well done to your child.

Nathair · Post by **Nathair** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:39 pm

JohnDoe and NorthenDancer, Please try not to jump to conclusions when you don't actually know the situation bingybongy is in. This is a forum where we try and support others who are going through the 11+ whether that is the worry before the exam, the wait for results, the relief of good results or the blow of unexpected and unwanted results, as well as everything that comes after that.

I have had stick from other parents, some of whom I considered close friends as my DD is the only child in her school to apply for Grammar school. They think that I am in some way critical of the choices they have made in regards to their children's schooling, because I have chosen not to send my DD to the local comp like everyone else. This is not the case, but I have been told by her teachers that she would do very well at grammar and that it would be good for her.
Niether myself or my DD has spoken much about it, but discussions happen as all the children are talking about school open evenings, etc. I haven't mentioned that she is also applying for an independent school, as the response from my closest friend was so negative, when I mentioned the possibility.
The feeling I get is that they think we are getting ideas above our station and should know our place

Tolstoy · Post by **Tolstoy** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:39 pm

Generally, it comes from parents who chose not to enter their children for one reason or another.

It may be that they feel they have to justify the position they took and then come over far more negatively than they feel.

I probably come across as far more pro my child's Grammar than I actually am because I feel constant presure to justify the decision we made when talking to people locally who don't take that route.

Be aware that the children sometimes get similar reactions as well so it can be a tricky time for all.

So as Moving says enjoy your child's success, why not, life should be about celebrating the good times when we get them.

bingybongy · Post by **bingybongy** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:45 pm

Thanks for both your responses - the problem is everyone knows and is interested in what everyone else is doing regarding schools for their children etc.

There are about 60 kids per year at my son's school and only 11 took the Kent test this year, as in our area the local Grammar takes them at 13.

Some of the other parents didn't want to put their kids through the "stress" of taking the test, I think..

jingle · Post by **jingle** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:57 pm

Well then that is their decision, just as yours was to pursue what
you felt was best for your child also. My advice is to not worry at all what others say or do. Well done to your son or daughter and best of luck.

Milla · Post by **Milla** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 6:01 pm

I agree with you BB, and this has been my experience. certainly those of us here - obv am talking of my friends and I - who select this route have learnt to adopt the hush hush approach - it seems that we respect those who don't have the choice and therefore opt for the comp but a similar respect is generally NOT given back. Rather, it's "oh what do you want to go sending your child to a grammar for when there's a perfectly good comp on your door step."

And although there IS mileage in that argument, there are also subtleties in the way in which one goes about choosing a school which is right for each child, which are harder to define.

One woman so drove me mad (I maintained a dignified silence, honest) is now, now that her son is deemed very good at sports, contemplating sports scholarships. Suddenly, it's all very different. Suddenly the comp can't support his excellence. Suddenly it's all extremely irritating. She's still snotty about the grammar though. Old bag!!!

We don't have a marks thing, you're so relieved to get in, you don't care. For the top super selective in the area (although none of them have catchments or siblings etc) they don't even give the mark, just whether you are top 120/160 or not. (the places 121-160 being the waiting list)

As for our old friend the coaching route, it's hard to get across that you have them coached because they are of grammar standard; it is not that they have acquired it due to having been tutored. Horse first, then coach.

You carry on being proud. Just shut the front door first!

Blue Peter · Post by **Blue Peter** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 6:06 pm

"Our child got 420 and I can tell you that the one thing we are not doing is broadcasting the score."

Well Johndoe, if that isn't broadcasting the score, I don't know what is!!

dadofkent · Post by **dadofkent** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 6:20 pm

Blue Peter wrote:"Our child got 420 and I can tell you that the one thing we are not doing is broadcasting the score."

Well Johndoe, if that isn't broadcasting the score, I don't know what is!!

I think there is a slight difference between the anonymity of an internet forum and the playground.