Advice on fall outs/friendship groups please
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ourmaminhavana
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Advice on fall outs/friendship groups please
My DD, 4, was absolutely devastated yesterday when she arrived at preschool to be told be her two 'best firends' that they didn't want to play with her any more. I was quite shocked as I didn't realise these things began so early and she's a very popular little girl. She hadn't done anything at all as far as I know, but the two other children had been seeing more of each other as one mother was helping another out and had naturally grown closer . All of the mums are friends and I did mention to the other mums that that was why she was so upset (she was crying her eyes out) but also made it clear I understood that children were children and I'd told her that of course they didn't mean it and everyone would play together. It was totally unexpected and I just want to protect my DD, but don't know what to say to her or do for the best. One of the other mum's said she'd have her over to play so that was a good start! I'd be interested to know other people's expereinces. I don't want to be overprotective, but am a bit shocked myself to be honest, although maybe I shouldn't be?
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Chelmsford mum
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Hello,
I have 3 girls, the little one is 5. I am afraid girls do this to eachother.I love having girls and the upsides far outweigh the down sides.A positive spin on why girls do this is that they, from their earliest moments, are highly relational and seeking deeper friendships.However as life is a steep learning curve, they do it badly and to the exclusion of others at times.
I have encountered such behaviour even at nursery level - "You're not my friend anymore", "You can't come to my party","You can't play with us because we are the ice skating club" (really!) It hurts but I sometimes wonder if it hurts us more.I would, as far as is possible, play it down with your daughter.I say things like "oh well, they are just having a bit of a grumpy day/week.Find someone else to play with and if you can't ask the lunchtime supervisor/Nursery Nurse etc to help you find a game to play".Keep bright and light about it and her feelings will not be as hurt ,if she does not receive the signal it is a big deal.
If it continues to happen then make a concerted effort to have some other girls around to play and don't be scared to mention it in a low key way to the staff.They can tackle this in circle time in a non heavy way.
These issues don't go away for a long time.My eldest who is coming up for 15 has had the most settled 2 years (friendship wise) that she has had.They do seem to grow out of it to a large extent.
My middle one was recently told by her 2 closest friends " We do like you but we don't want to be a three anymore.We want space to be a two and you can't share with us on the school holiday.....We still like you though"(Oh well that's o.k then
)
It's hard, I really know that ,but especially at this age, don't get too emotionally involved in it all because there is a strong chance they will all be playing happily again by next week!
Keep an eye but I bet she still had a lovely morning - it is us mums that carry these things in our hearts when the children have often moved on.
Good luck with it.
I have 3 girls, the little one is 5. I am afraid girls do this to eachother.I love having girls and the upsides far outweigh the down sides.A positive spin on why girls do this is that they, from their earliest moments, are highly relational and seeking deeper friendships.However as life is a steep learning curve, they do it badly and to the exclusion of others at times.
I have encountered such behaviour even at nursery level - "You're not my friend anymore", "You can't come to my party","You can't play with us because we are the ice skating club" (really!) It hurts but I sometimes wonder if it hurts us more.I would, as far as is possible, play it down with your daughter.I say things like "oh well, they are just having a bit of a grumpy day/week.Find someone else to play with and if you can't ask the lunchtime supervisor/Nursery Nurse etc to help you find a game to play".Keep bright and light about it and her feelings will not be as hurt ,if she does not receive the signal it is a big deal.
If it continues to happen then make a concerted effort to have some other girls around to play and don't be scared to mention it in a low key way to the staff.They can tackle this in circle time in a non heavy way.
These issues don't go away for a long time.My eldest who is coming up for 15 has had the most settled 2 years (friendship wise) that she has had.They do seem to grow out of it to a large extent.
My middle one was recently told by her 2 closest friends " We do like you but we don't want to be a three anymore.We want space to be a two and you can't share with us on the school holiday.....We still like you though"(Oh well that's o.k then
)It's hard, I really know that ,but especially at this age, don't get too emotionally involved in it all because there is a strong chance they will all be playing happily again by next week!
Keep an eye but I bet she still had a lovely morning - it is us mums that carry these things in our hearts when the children have often moved on.
Good luck with it.
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ourmaminhavana
- Posts: 966
- Joined: Mon Sep 07, 2009 11:14 am
Thanks Chelmsford mum, you always sound so wise 
I spoke to the staff today and they said that there's a lot of it going on with a number of them and they're teaching them to deal with it and to empathise with each other, as I've been trying to do at home.
I'm sure you're right when you say play it down and that it matters more to us! I'll stop asking her who she played with today and how she's feeling
I spoke to the staff today and they said that there's a lot of it going on with a number of them and they're teaching them to deal with it and to empathise with each other, as I've been trying to do at home.
I'm sure you're right when you say play it down and that it matters more to us! I'll stop asking her who she played with today and how she's feeling
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Chelmsford mum
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ourmaminhavana wrote:Thanks Chelmsford mum, you always sound so wise
I spoke to the staff today and they said that there's a lot of it going on with a number of them and they're teaching them to deal with it and to empathise with each other, as I've been trying to do at home.
Hmmm.. try telling that first bit to my children !
(but thanks)Glad the staff seem to be aware of it.Long holiday weekend ahead, maybe they will all come back fresher for it.
Enjoy the weekend.
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T.i.p.s.y
Ah, the wonderful world of woman!
Sorry DD was so upset yesterday. Annoyingly they will probably all be fine again tomorrow. Is one of the girls an only child? I have found that when my son has a friend who is an only child this child finds it very hard to share friends and often wants one friend to themselves. They can exclude other children and sometimes be quite domineering. It is not their fault as it is natural for them to behave this way when they are young and trying to understand social etiquette but this may be the reason why this happened.
Sorry DD was so upset yesterday. Annoyingly they will probably all be fine again tomorrow. Is one of the girls an only child? I have found that when my son has a friend who is an only child this child finds it very hard to share friends and often wants one friend to themselves. They can exclude other children and sometimes be quite domineering. It is not their fault as it is natural for them to behave this way when they are young and trying to understand social etiquette but this may be the reason why this happened.
This is how I handled it when we were faced with a similar situation. DD was around 7 and I constantly noticed the girl she called a "friend" was always mean to her in the playground. It was very painful to watch and hear daily how **** didnt want to play with her. As this became consistant, I start explaing to my DD what the word friend means and that if someone continues to be mean to you, they are not your friend.
The message was sinking in but at a snail pace and I faced it head on that *** wanst a friend as she was always mean. My DD was upset that I said this and she said I was being mean and that she would tell ***'s what I had sad. I told her the consequences but really didnt care. That so called friendship ended a sudden death and to this day I think *** told her mum but I didnt care, had suffered too much agony watching my DD in tears
The worst bit was other girls would come and try and play with my DD and she would run off to try and play with this girl. Fastforward to now 10 years old and they are friends again with *** and this time more grown up and on equal footing. I still to this day teach her what good friends are and why she shouldnt just call anybody my friend.
You may just want to wait and see if it was a one off or if this persistantly happens then you need to take some action.
The message was sinking in but at a snail pace and I faced it head on that *** wanst a friend as she was always mean. My DD was upset that I said this and she said I was being mean and that she would tell ***'s what I had sad. I told her the consequences but really didnt care. That so called friendship ended a sudden death and to this day I think *** told her mum but I didnt care, had suffered too much agony watching my DD in tears
The worst bit was other girls would come and try and play with my DD and she would run off to try and play with this girl. Fastforward to now 10 years old and they are friends again with *** and this time more grown up and on equal footing. I still to this day teach her what good friends are and why she shouldnt just call anybody my friend.
You may just want to wait and see if it was a one off or if this persistantly happens then you need to take some action.
Impossible is Nothing.
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MittenKitty
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not much to add except to say I empathise - its so hard not to be really upset by this sort of thing. i think it's one of the issues that makes you realise you cant always protect your child and life will get to them whatever, so you can only help them cope - you cant control what happens. When they're little it's all in your control but that recedes quite quickly once school is involved
I think Chelmsford mum has it spot on - treat it casually as it's likely to change. We had an awful period when my DD was 7ish and she was the one saying I dont want to be your friend and making her friend so upset - and things difficult for us with the parents - but now at 12 - and at different schools - they are best friends
So try to get through it and it will change - and show your DD its just an off day - not a permanent exclusion. I agree having a few girls round is very likely to help - particularly if you can also provide memorable fairy cakes or biscuits - seemed to help my girl win peer group favour at various points!
I think Chelmsford mum has it spot on - treat it casually as it's likely to change. We had an awful period when my DD was 7ish and she was the one saying I dont want to be your friend and making her friend so upset - and things difficult for us with the parents - but now at 12 - and at different schools - they are best friends
So try to get through it and it will change - and show your DD its just an off day - not a permanent exclusion. I agree having a few girls round is very likely to help - particularly if you can also provide memorable fairy cakes or biscuits - seemed to help my girl win peer group favour at various points!
Excellent advice as ever CM but as for your middle one, I'd love to come and do something deeply unChristian to 'the two' on your behalf.Chelmsford mum wrote: My middle one was recently told by her 2 closest friends " We do like you but we don't want to be a three anymore.We want space to be a two and you can't share with us on the school holiday.....We still like you though"(Oh well that's o.k then
It's hard, I really know that ,but especially at this age, don't get too emotionally involved in it all because there is a strong chance they will all be playing happily again by next week!
With my DDs both have them have had this experience from time to time, I have tried to stay away, they have got over it, moved on and become better for it. However, deep inside I really rather detest one of DD1s friends and get this out of my system by sniping nastily about her with a friend from far away in the hope that DD1 does not pick up on anything. Rather shameful behaviour no doubt but sometimes it does you the world of good to have a friend say 'what a .....!
mad?
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Chelmsford mum
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Thanks mad?mad? wrote:but as for your middle one, I'd love to come and do something deeply unChristian to 'the two' on your behalf.Chelmsford mum wrote: My middle one was recently told by her 2 closest friends " We do like you but we don't want to be a three anymore.We want space to be a two and you can't share with us on the school holiday.....We still like you though"(Oh well that's o.k then
sometimes it does you the world of good to have a friend say 'what a .....!
It hasn't been a happy time of late as she has had to rebuild her friendship base and all this at the same time as puberty...it's been Niagra falls at times.
Believe me inwardly I do get very cross about it but I guess that won't change things and on the other hand, if this is how they act, well then she truly is better off without them.Eventually she will see that. 