damage limitation

[Tinkus-Pinkus]

Dear All,

I thought it would be helpful to start a thread on Damage Limitation in case of 11 plus failures. I have read various treads on here from people who have taken the 11 plus themselves and blame their life's misfortunes on failing.

Here are some suggestions for people and I would be really grateful of any ideas too as I am preempting any possible result.

1. Introduce DC to someone doing really well at alternative school to Grammar.
2. Ensure that DC understands that the 11 plus is not a pass/fail test just one to see what type of learning style suits them best e.g. Pressured learning or methodical learning.
3. Pick out all the good points of the alternative school. Eg that DC may be in top sets of other school which might be a nice place to be
4. Help DC' to understand that life is full of disappointments for everyone and the people who do well are not those who always succeed but those who pick themselves up, brush themselves off and get on with achieving their ultimate goal.
5. Reward for hard work and not results. DD asked for a mobile phone as a reward for passing her 11 plus ( which I wasn't going to get her until secondary school. So I bought her one last week with a card saying it was a reward for all her hard work. I will take her out for lunch after the exam, but will give no reward for passing or failing the test.
6. Make sure that DC knows that you are proud of them whatever and that you don' think either school is the better or worse option.
7. Help DC to understand that academic achievement is not the B all and end all even though it may seem like it at this very moment in time. Life is about being happy and having fun.
8. Let DC know that no test is perfect and your result only shows how you did in that test in that day, nothing more.
9. Explain to DC that 11 plus is not an exam that looks at all round ability but just speed.
10. Before your DC takes the exam, tell them about all the fantastically successful people who have historically failed the 11 plus. Here is a link with a list http://www.friendsreunited.co.uk/celebr ... 0a01316556" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Any other suggestions would be very welcome indeed.

[patricia]

Perfect!

Patricia

[Daogroupie]

It would be great to move this thread to General 11 plus topics so everyone can benefit from it. DG

[mystery]

Yes. And I would add to your list something to make it very clear that no test is perfect and your result only shows how you did in that test in that day, nothing more.

[Amber]

Get rid of that 'f' word right away! No ten year old deserves that anywhere near them.

I told mine that it was a rubbish system, very unfair, and there were so many factors at play that it was at times little better than a lottery. Which I do believe. We know several children who were very capable of passing and were not entered for the tests. We also know one or two who were pretty much coached from the womb so were fairly dead cert. I made sure the children knew about all that. I absolutely agree there should be no reward based on the outcome of the tests, only for the sheer horror of going through them. The flip side of this is that no child should be allowed to brag, boast or consider themselves in any way superior if they do pass- ghastly for everyone else and no one likes an arrogant brat. Nor indeed a smug parent. Teach them well and one day they will help to overthrow the system. Up the revolution!

[ginx]

Tinkus-Pinkus,

That is a great list and looking back, I'm not sure I said the right things. Dd2 knew her alternative school was great as she has two siblings there who are happy and doing well, so no pressure.

The dc I feel sorry for her are her siblings. I should have gone through your points with them in detail. So if you have more than one dc, maybe it is worth going through this with everyone in your family. What do you think? Dd1 is not academic and didn't even sit the 11+, but she is the kindest child I have (and others often comment on that). I wouldn't even want her to be more academic because she wouldn't be the way she is. But she does occasionally say she is the (and I hate this word) the "stupid" one of the family. Ds1 sat the 11+, didn't do very well, was upset as his friends all went to gs. But he quickly settled into his comp (it's a good one) and on his Sats results went into top stream for some subjects. Which is perfect for some dc.

Dd2, on day 2 at gs, came home tired, stressed, worrying about homework.

For me, rewarding for results is a terrible thing to do, like my friend who had a party for her dd for getting level 6's. Or "you can go and see one direction if you pass".

This is really useful. There are quite a few dp's on here who have never got over the 11+. Amber's right, the system is wrong. And yes, I know I am a hypocrite as my dd2 goes to a gs.

Thanks for all this advice as I have another child to go through this in a few years' time.

[silverysea]

Get those open evening dates in your diary for all the possible schools-there are pluses and minuses to every school. My DD2 is still talking about the brownies at one and a craft club on offer at another from when we went round with DD1 three years ago. Also you can't see everything so go again if you have already visited and focus on different departments.

We found it hard to organise meals, entertainment/babysitting for other siblings etc. when all those open days came along like buses so some parent planning now will help oil the wheels.

[Golightly]

Love this! Especially #5 My daughter won't be rewarded for passing the 11+, but she has had lots of lovely things/activities over the holidays for all her hard work. Great post & good luck everyone x

[Long Journey]

I love your list too, especially #4.

I would say make sure the DC know that however big it appears now the 11+ is just one very, very tiny part of what they will do, see and experience in their lives. No one is ever remembered for their 11+ results.

[countrymum]

Great advice - having gone through it can now see how all consuming it can be at the time. I too hate (with a passion) the 'F' word - no one F's imo - some may have had more familiarisation with papers/methods etc - some may have been off par on the day - many reasons. Like Amber says it can be a lottery, it really can. Anyone who gives it a go is a winner in my book. It's how you deal with the outcome as a parent that I think may effect how the child ultimately ends up feeling. If you feel they have 'F' then I believe that shall reflect on the child and not great for self esteem. There are many positives to come out of going for the 11+ - builds confidence in many - familiarisation with exams - listening/communication - also can help with future yr 6 work/sats preparation. I think reminding ourselves of the positives whether they qualify or not is the key.

I have this on my wall by Dorothy Law Nolte

"If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn . . .
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight . . .
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive . . .
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself . . .
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy . . .
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel envy . . .
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty ...

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient . . .
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident . . .
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative . . .
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love . .
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves..
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is . . .
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice . . .
If children live with recognition, they learn to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn to be generous.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him . . .
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live . . .”