State School to Private.......felt uncomfortable

[kelwaypops]

anyone else experienced feeling like an outsider with your first 'gathering' experience with dc around other parents. went to a social/meeting at dc's new school (starting in september) so the children can feel comfortable etc. dd was near on the only child there from state whilst all the others either already at the school or prep. whilst i am not the type to be bothered by this i did feel awkward. stickers with our childs name etc were stuck on us implying we would all mingle but the only mingling was among the people who all seemed to already know each other. I was quite happy to sit on my own reading a good book i had had the forsight to take along, thank the lord...

[Yamin151]

Was this just for parents? It must have been horrid to feel so awkward. I will be int he same position from September. Can I play Devils Advocate for just one moment? As a prime candidate for paranoia I know how sometimes I can believe people are leaving me out when actually they
1. Just all know each other already, hard but understandable. They should be more welcoming to new people of course but it may be nothing to do wtih the state/private thing
2. Perhaps you were worried about this happening and it becAme a self fulfilling prophecy, esp when you sat down and read a book?

I wasn't there, I just know how hard these things can be, and whilst they definitely should have welcomed you, might you have taken the initiative a little more, rather than sitting back? Perhaps you did, in which case I apologise. If they were unfriendly even when you approached then that is just pure bad manners! And I'm sorry for it, I hope I do not encounter the same myself.

[kelwaypops]

hi yamin, thanks for response. to be honest, i hadn't given it much thought beforehand and went there thinking there would be alot of other 'newbies' who would be wandering around on their own. if i had seen another 'loner' i would have gone up to them and introduced myself (as i am a confident quite chatty person normally) however i didn't see ANYONE not already in deep conversation with someone. all the new kids seem to go to one of a small handful of preps. a friend of mine whose son is also going to this school (he is at the same state') is away so she wasn't there. dh is away too. i have never been bothered before by the state v prep' thing before however i just got a vibe from a few of the more materialistic type mothers (i am not a showy dresser........). there is another gathering next week although dh will be with me this time

[kelwaypops]

ps, no, our children were there too although they were taken off by other students to see the classrooms/facilities etc

[Amber]

I have to say that is how I have felt at any school social gathering, state or private, since my lot were tiny and I have avoided them with a passion since I can remember. Anything with the words 'school' and 'social' in the same sentence; and particularly if 'girls night' or worse, 'pamper evening' feature are worth making strenuous efforts to avoid unless you have a ready entourage of well-trained, loud acquaintances to take along with you who can be relied upon to kiss you ostentatiously and guffaw approvingly at your every word. If it gets to 'themed' or 'fancy dress' then consider leaving the country at any cost.

I am prepared to be shot down here but IMHO the world divides into two on this matter - those who like school socials and those who don't. If you are in the latter group I don't think you are likely to change suddenly into an aficionado of quiz nights, charity (read School Rugby Tour) auctions or pudding evenings. The good news is that once your child gets to secondary school you never need to go to one of these things ever again.

All that said - how incredibly rude of all the others to ignore you like that. I am sure others with more insight into how the world of socialisation works will be along to give some properly useful advice on how to penetrate the Inner Circle of popular mothers if that is what you want. Meantime, commiserations and I hope it's easier for your child than it was made to be for you. x

[Daogroupie]

I dont expect they were intentionally mean, just careless and in their own comfort zone. We have parents like that in one of our sports clubs, students been together since they were 4, all holiday together, lift share and save seats for each other. It is really hard to go up to a group that all know each other. Our schools splits up all the handful of students who do know each other to stop cliques forming. Will your ds be doing any Sport or Music or Drama where you can meet other mothers? I am sure there are plenty but perhaps they just didn't happen to be there. Next time with your friend there it will be easier to go upto people and introduce yourselves. Hope it has not put you off the school. I peacefully co-exist with parents who are not my cup of tea and I am quite sure I am not theirs either! DG

[kelwaypops]

thanks for your responses chaps. i don't hold it against any of them, i know how it is. The important thing is that the school is fab' and that dd is very excited about going there. i already have a very close friend whose son will be in dd's class (we have been friends for years) so it isn't as if i don't know anyone, she was just away at the time. They may have thought i was a snob by not talking to them. The book i was reading was really funny, i must have looked quite odd laughing to myself whilst sitting on the stage/bench. i know there is a big emphasis in music at this school and because dd is one of only two music scholars (just taken in) she will be expected to perform in many things including the choir (as she can also sing)...i did find the music crowd alot friendlier. I think i would struggle alot more with say the sports events crowd although they will be few and far between as dd hates sports I am not the type to get involved with evening socials etc and dh certainly isn't... he went to this school so for him it is like going back home

[southbucks3]

I have to agree with Amber, since my son began gs two years ago I have been to the new parents coffee morning, that is it. Jolly japes and fabulous times may have been had by all, but those emails either go straight to trash or via dh with a joke attached.

Some love them, some hate them, you are not obliged to talk to another parent again if you don't care to. as long as you are supportive, do sporty or music or drama duties and pop in to the occasional de briefing.

You will feel better with your dh as a prop, in circumstances like that it is easier to force an introduction with your partner in tow. The parent reps should have been flitting around, mixing people up, maybe next time they will.

Your dc will be fine, kids make friends in two days at a holiday camp site, it's us olds that are far more reserved.

[kittymum]

I dread parent socials (unless I know I have "my" group of friends with me). I have managed to elevate a parents meeting and also a social at the secondary school ds is going to into events of epic proportions. The time I have spent thinking about what to wear has alarmed even me

I am truly rubbish at making chit chat with people I don't know and like you I know I will be faced with some groups who have known each other for years. The sad thing is I know I'm a joiner-iner (yes I'm one of those annoying PTA people) which provides me with a whole other level of angst

Hope you make some nice friends soon.

[ToadMum]

Perhaps they are all just sticking to what their own Mummies and Daddies told them - 'never talk to strangers'? I was brought up in a family which held the view that the mark of a true gentleman was to be able to converse with anyone, not to mention having a mother who could never go anywhere without getting into conversation with complete strangers at the bus-stop etc, but possibly we were just plain odd.

One hopes that the offspring of these nice folk are better behaved when it comes to including the 'newbies' in their forms.