Unplanned gap year- parental advice please

[silverysea]

I like to plan ahead! Even the unplanned.

In the event that we have a sad and traumatic event on 16 August (A level results day), and the flurry of phoning around unis and demanding remarks etc. prove fruitless, then plan B seems to be ... the dreaded gap year (dreaded by Mum most of all).

Head-in-sand taciturnity has been the response since the exams ended and dd has been moody and depressed, thankfully is busy with full time summer job and we will be heading for the hills for a music camp “holiday” the weekend before, so brooding time is reduced.

I am working on my “not disappointed” face. TBH I think it would be better in the long run for her NOT to go far away to Uni this Sept, but she decided back in Sept 2017 that she wanted to go with “everyone else” (some of whom are now looking forward to a gap year by choice). So I’m hoping to turn the thinking round from a disaster, to an opportunity, if it comes to it!

What else could we aspire to, if the news is bad? Both immediately and in the longer term. I guess she will do a bit more work experience, though she ticked the boxes for offers. I don’t think resitting is practical probably. I would like her out of the house as much as possible and some growing up practically, and she is broke (pay is poor at summer job as she is still under 18) so will be encouraging some earning as well.

[Guest55]

It will be time to sit down and do some thinking, a gap year can be very positive. If she doesn't want to resit then are her grades 'good enough' to get her on the degree she wants at a 'good' [and I don't mean RG} uni? If not then a total re-think is needed.

It's important not to rush headlong into clearing and grab the first thing on offer. Working for a year will give more experience and a cushion of cash for uni or beyond - very useful.

What degree is she looking at?

[mad?]

DD2 had a planned gap year which I dreaded and of which I am now a total fan. Best thing she ever did!

My top tips are to make sure she gets lots of work and volunteering etc so that she gains, learns, gives and has cash.
We charged DD token rent on the basis that she was now an earner which managed to focus her mind somewhat. On top of work she also house and dog sat which was a very lucrative boost to her earnings. She managed to earn enough to fund 6 months travelling around Central and South America (albeit that she had already saved £1500 for this as she had always known it was what she wanted to do).
Also, make sure she cracks on with things soon after A level results, lots of DD's friends were going to uni straight away, several not until October, and she initially required a nudge (and the rent bill!) to get on with her own life rather than hanging around with her friends and going to goodbye parties/dinners all the time.
Do not 'mother' her any more, we decided to have a cooking/cleaning/shopping rota which worked well and encouraged her to work evenings as well so that she could duck out of her responsibilities on occasion!
Be cautious of organised 'gap yah' volunteering opportunities, they are VERY expensive and from the experience of her friends do little help and provide minimal independence.
Most of all, you cannot do it for them, but they can easily waste their time so again, charging rent meant she had to do something no matter what!
If I had my time again I would force DD1 to do a gap year...

[doodles]

We come at this from the other end i.e. DH and I persuaded ds1 to have a gap year, initially he wasn't keen but we knew he just wasn't "ready" for uni.

He has worked as a gap year student in a local prep school, a lot of bin emptying and chair moving but also classroom time and sports coaching and he got paid a decent salary too. He's also qualified as a rugby coach and referee so has added to his skill set. He has grown hugely in confidence and self belief and is now in a much better position to enjoy and benefit from uni. He's also going away with a decent pot of money behind him even though he's had a few holidays.

Having him in the house as a non-school adult for a year has been interesting, I won't lie and say it's all been wonderful, we have all had to adjust but it's been fun having him around.

I've just asked him whether he's glad he took a gap year and his answer is a very positive yes and "I'm pleased I did it and am looking forward to uni now". His only proviso being you need to do something not just drift through the year. I will miss him in September but am excited for him now not worried as I would have been last year.

Tips would be:

Set the ground rules but treat them like an adult
Help where needed - somethings they just don't know because they haven't had the life experience - but don't helicopter
Earn some money!
Don't drift


Silverysea don't dread it, embrace it, set some ground rules and help her find something definite to do.

[hermanmunster]

decades ago I had an unplanned gap year - got the place at uni but just decided after A levels that I didn't want to do the subject.

got a job locally (that needed a science background) and worked for the year. wish I had travelled a bit or learnt a language. was glad to have the extra money when I went to Uni!

[KS10]

It’s two years away but I think I have convinced both DD and OH that a gap year will be good for her. Wish I’d had one.

[Amber]

I will be trying to do the 'not disappointed' face if DS2 decides not to take a gap year like his two siblings. In my view it ought to be compulsory. Bad idea to go to university straight from school in so many cases.

[silverysea]

Thanks all. Feeling like I can be more enthusiastic about Gap without it being a complete act!

Haha Amber. It’s all an acting job really isn’t it?

Rent is definitely on the cards. We parents have definitely smoothed the path financially a lot just because she was working so hard to get to her goal and lucky for her we could.

Has anyone had a DC who became despondent over all this and did you find any useful actions to take?

The problem we specifically predict with resitting is that the grade most in question had 60% coursework which would be very hard to replicate, she said. I don’t know anything (obviously) but in addition we parents are foreign and old so don’t know anything about the A level system.

The other problem is that the course may well not accept resit grades, or want them all from the same sitting-there is so much competition and many students are also on a retry basis from last year, or coming in as graduates. I think she will be looking to go abroad instead as they have lower requirements but still recognised qualifications. But not this year, we haven’t geared up to do that as she and I feel she’s not ready to go abroad as well as everything else.

Or, she may have a fundamental rethink- she is a bit fed up with the whole shebang after eating sleeping and doing nearly nothing but this for 2 years. None of her friends have seemingly had so little fun and most have got unconditional offers in other subjects with the same predicted grades, mostly no interviews, and a fraction of other work she did, or did work but got paid. The salaries are not that high anymore comparatively for new ones, and it’s tough to progress. And the work experience showed her that the majority of it is very samey and some is very frustrating. (She won’t listen to me right now about further qualifications later, intercalated, or trying out different positions like teaching, research, or voluntary work overseas, she’s fixated on simply graduating and working in a standard job from then on). It’s like she started off out of a cannon and kind of fell to Earth in the last months of the A levels.

I think it’s just the hot summer blahs, combined with post-exam slump, myself. Everything will be shiny again if she gets the grades required.

[KB]

It sounds like she's totally burned out from the pressure.
Maybe even if she gets the grades she should request deferring for a year to give her time to recharge?

If the grades fall short it sounds like she has a bit of time to consider resits - talking to school and potential universities first. I absolutely endorse the idea of taking a year and not rushing into something else through clearing.

I agree with those who recommend getting on with something useful if she's taking time out from studying but in this case she might need a bit of time to adjust and recover as well. Nothing to say that can't be done while working but she might not be able to cope with too many decisions about gap year while dealing with the fall out from results day.

Sending best wishes to you both.

[DC17C]

Thanks all. Feeling like I can be more enthusiastic about Gap without it being a complete act!

Haha Amber. It’s all an acting job really isn’t it?

Rent is definitely on the cards. We parents have definitely smoothed the path financially a lot just because she was working so hard to get to her goal and lucky for her we could.

Has anyone had a DC who became despondent over all this and did you find any useful actions to take?

The problem we specifically predict with resitting is that the grade most in question had 60% coursework which would be very hard to replicate, she said. I don’t know anything (obviously) but in addition we parents are foreign and old so don’t know anything about the A level system.

The other problem is that the course may well not accept resit grades, or want them all from the same sitting-there is so much competition and many students are also on a retry basis from last year, or coming in as graduates. I think she will be looking to go abroad instead as they have lower requirements but still recognised qualifications. But not this year, we haven’t geared up to do that as she and I feel she’s not ready to go abroad as well as everything else.

Or, she may have a fundamental rethink- she is a bit fed up with the whole shebang after eating sleeping and doing nearly nothing but this for 2 years. None of her friends have seemingly had so little fun and most have got unconditional offers in other subjects with the same predicted grades, mostly no interviews, and a fraction of other work she did, or did work but got paid. The salaries are not that high anymore comparatively for new ones, and it’s tough to progress. And the work experience showed her that the majority of it is very samey and some is very frustrating. (She won’t listen to me right now about further qualifications later, intercalated, or trying out different positions like teaching, research, or voluntary work overseas, she’s fixated on simply graduating and working in a standard job from then on). It’s like she started off out of a cannon and kind of fell to Earth in the last months of the A levels.

I think it’s just the hot summer blahs, combined with post-exam slump, myself. Everything will be shiny again if she gets the grades required.

I suspect a gap year could be a very wise move whatever the outcome. It is very easy to get into a sort of fixation that you have to follow a fixed path in life and anything that takes you off track is a disaster...please believe me...I have been there and it took a lot to get off that treadmill...but when I did...and gave myself time to reflect I learned a lot about what was really important to me, what my real strengths and passions are and I have had a big change of direction. It may be the right career choice ..it might not be...but learning necessary self care is needed and a gap year can be a great time to discover what that is for an emerging adult...