Leaving Home at 8 (Channel 4 tomorrow at 9 pm)...

Chelmsford mum · Post by **Chelmsford mum** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 8:24 pm

Ealing mum,
I always read your posts with interest.
I think that we all make choices that some might question.I , for example, work more nowadays.This pays for dance lessons for the 3 DDs and music and the occasional pizza out with my daughters etc.Some might say I should work less and be investing more time at home in my kids.I believe that I have made the right decision on balance, taking their material needs into account in the teenage years(well 2 of them- one only little still) but only time will tell.
I wouldn't choose a boarding school but obviously those that do feel the benefits outweigh the negatives.I think most that do, are not so interested in an extra A* but feel that indep boarding school gives numerous other benefits that are often discussed here.

sherry_d · Post by **sherry_d** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 8:34 pm

ealingmum wrote: Ok they might get an extra Astar or two but at what emotional cost which will only become apparent in years or decades to come?

Oh dear why do people often assume boarding brings emotional issues? There are kids with a lot of emotional issues who have never been to boarding and have lived with their parents. Its one thing to dislike boarding but to say you get emotionally scared for decades surely is not only a generalisation but overstatement.

Its just a different choice that other parents make for their kids just like those who choose grammars over comprehensives.

doodles · Post by **doodles** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 8:36 pm

Surely it's horses for courses when it comes to boarding. For service families for example, isn't boarding a better option to being posted all over the world and having a totally disrupted education?

I don't know, just another train of thought.

ealingmum · Post by **ealingmum** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:21 pm

Chelmsford Mum I am not questionning people's individual choices rather commenting on what seems to be a general cost or risk with boarding. I wonder whether it is 'an English thing' where some posters talk about DC can 'see their families'at weekends (for me it has to be 'be the family') and others talk about 'optimising' quality family time when DC are back from boarding school. If I had to speak personally (rather than in a general sense) I'd say I don't recognise that type of family life - for me families are the mess, the rows and the love of being there; it can't be measured and so can't be optimised; it just is.

That said boarding schools might make sense for some parents (or even children) but a cost there is too as explained by the psyc poster

ealingmum · Post by **ealingmum** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:50 pm

Sherry D the emotional issues are not an assumption on my part but evidenced based findings across the generations. What seems to happen is that adult men who were sent away as boys (particularly in their early years) - it concerns mainly men - have deep difficulties developing close personal relationships and struggle to comes to terms with the causes of their social, ******** and psychosomatic problems. See for eg those Daily Telegraph writers who appear to justify ******** abuse at their boarding schools as just a bit of rugger bugger stuff which made men of them Google boarding schools and emotion and read for yourself more research based views than would be found in the DT. Uncomfortable reading as it is but not an assumption.

Of course it may all be different now

Chelmsford mum · Post by **Chelmsford mum** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:59 pm

As I have said, boarding isn't for me or my family.( Couldn't afford it even if I changed my mind)
We are not the Waltons by any stretch of the imagination but I prefer us being together rows, teenage tantrums and all.
In various locations and settings however I have met perfectly balanced and happy people who went to boarding school and loved it. I have met others who resented being sent to the local comp when they could have been at grammar/ private school(cf Tony Benn's children)
It is a massive cliche but it is "horses for courses". I would not dream of doing it myself but many, many people go to boarding school and thrive.
Not for me but does work for some.

sherry_d · Post by **sherry_d** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 11:16 pm

These psychologist Ealingmum surely have their own way of finding what they call damage. I am sure if they did a same survey they will be equally some damaged ones in day schools. Like any schools they will be some good and bad but personally I see a lot of good in boarding but dont think I can hack it at 8years old.

I spend 3 FULL months in boarding without seeing my parents and then a month off at home so having weekend breaks sound a DREAM to me. I do not know one person who was damaged among my friends, it was a great experience even though we had bits we hated (the bully matrons, aweful food and some staff who were holier than thou). Then again my boarding wasnt in England but was English run so I may well be talking rollocks. Infact I think my life turned out to be who I am because of my boarding experience that I am truely grateful for. Sadly I cant afford to send my DD to boarding even though she really would like to go to one.

ealingmum · Post by **ealingmum** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 11:24 pm

I too know ex boarders who seem perfectly normal just as I know young adults who resented (in 11plus website parlance) being sent or 'shunted' to the local comp but that is not really the point.

For a website dedicated to education (or atleast exams and schools) it seems virtually impossible to have a general debate about the issues before things are quickly brought back to the personal and the anecdotal.

tiredmum · Post by **tiredmum** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 11:28 pm

sherry_d wrote:These psychologist Ealingmum surely have their own way of finding what they call damage. I am sure if they did a same survey they will be equally some damaged ones in day schools. Like any schools they will be some good and bad :

I agree sherry - day schools also have damaged kids, damaged by their famlies. If they boarded who knows how much their lives would improve.

But i love my noisy house with my kids at home.

Must say. nice to get the view of someone who did actually board

T.i.p.s.y · Post by **T.i.p.s.y** » Mon Apr 12, 2010 11:35 pm

It is really difficult to not recount personal experiences. If boarding damages 99% of kids but your child thrived there then all these comments about the harms of boarding seem like codswallop.

Thinking back to the documentary I am not at all surprised that these girls were so upset. They were constantly being reminded of their situation by having a camera in their face which was probably too overwhelming for them especially at a difficult time.

EDIT: But for what it's worth I think that boarding for my eldest son has been hugely positive and less so for my youngest who will now be a day boy although he is asking to board now that I have moved house!

If I had to do it all again I wouldn't let them board until 11 or 13 but not because I think it damages them but because I miss them too much. Of course our time spent together is so delightful and gives me so much pleasure which is why I never want them to leave for school but if they were day boys I doubt even 5% of our time would be as good. DS2 and I are already at loggerheads and I am already planning how to avoid the teachers grabbing me for a "quick word" most afternoons!